James Hesketh

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Heskey as a Southpark character.


Heskey and Tilly mid-way through Year 11 at All-Saints.

Born on 28th March 1989 at 5:15am at Jericho General Hospital in Bury, Heskey, as he is known, has lived a happy life as a child living with his mum, Margaret, his dad, Alan and his two older brothers, Mark & Robert. He attended primary school at St. Joseph's R.C. Primary School, Stacksteads and failed his 11+ by 1% in English resulting in high school education taking place at All Saints.

Every day was a grind for him; he detested it incredibly due to having very few friends and many, many enemies. After 5 long years, Heskey made it into BRGS' Sixth Form well within the requirement boundaries and set off his further studies studying Psychology, Sociology, English Language and Religious Studies.

Modern Day

Now in 13PWR and 18 years old, Heskey has dropped Religious Studies and Critical thinking after failing both. A very jolly person, Heskey can often be found in the Lower Common Room towards the back by the CD player singing along, or joking amongst friends.

On his own, he is an apparently dull and un-eventful person but over the last year he has made a great deal of friends within the sixth form, and has found that as far as social lubrication goes, being amongst a group of friends is much easier to maintain interesting conversation than being alone with one or two people, as there are more people to input to the subject topic, rather than having to think of something interesting to talk about every minute.

It cannot be denied that Heskey is one amongst the famous people currently at BRGS, his name is mentioned, or shouted across the room on a regular basis, and as a result he is known to the mass majority of people, before they have ever met face to face.

Though failing to pull through the Headboy Elections, despite the numerous posters placed around school, Heskey fully supports the new head boy, Robert Whitworth and his deputies Sam Stevens and Luke Bramwell.

In the recent re-election, Heskey stood forward as the only candidate in his form to be form rep, and now attends Sixth Form Committee meetings alongside the previous year's reps for other forms.


Heskey is about 5'9" with short, spiked brown hair and grey eyes. Possibly within the description barrier of 'tubby' - you can't miss him, though he appears to be getting slimmer recently and this has been met with compliments, he still can't believe that he's already had to buy new pants already since the start of Upper Sixth due to dropping 2+ pant sizes; and had he continued to wear his old pants, the weight wouldn't be the only thing falling off him!

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Heskey looking smug at Whittaker Park.


Heskey has two sides to his personality depending on his mood; just like everyone else. On a normal day to day basis he is as friendly and helpful as can be. You wouldn't be wrong to consider him as a big brother; as he's always there to support you, talk with you about anything in confidence and cheer you up. However, there come the odd days every few months where he's not his normal self, often withdrawn, spiteful and un-cooperative, bad points, which happen to the majority of people.

One of the nicest people you could possibly meet, even those who claim to dislike him can most probably not deny this fact without feeling a sense of spite or lying.

Music Taste

Heskey's iPod library is hard to stick a label to as his genre's vary far and wide. Though his favourite bands are Placebo and Muse, followed by bands such as The Killers and The Kooks forming the majority, skulking around the outskirts are some rogue artists. To name a few:

  • Rammstein
  • Spice Girls
  • Disturbed
  • Busted
  • System of a Down
  • George Formby
  • Eminem
  • Vanessa Carlton
  • Cascadia
  • Groove Coverage
  • Final Fantasy OST
  • Howie Day
  • Joseph Arthur
  • Counting Crows
  • The Libertines
  • The Fratellis
  • Linkin Park
  • Marvin Gaye
  • James Brown

These amongst many solo artists form the secondary bulk of his library, and it can clearly be seen that Heskey enjoys a mixture of many genres of music from death metal to pop, with a few original soundtracks from the Final Fantasy series, including covers preformed by The Black Mages.

He has however been known to publicly speak out against bands of the emo genre, and the hip-hop scene.

Finally, forming a rather linear part of the library of songs of pure comedy value. It's arguable that Busted comes under this list, but to name four that have been played previously in the Lower Common Room:

  • London Underground
  • The Last Saskatchewan Pirate
  • The Reefer Song
  • David Hasselhoff's Jump In My Car
Heskey whails away, half-drunk at Karaoke at Jacki's party.


The crowd went wild on Friday 20th October 2006 when Wez and Heskey ran on stage during dinner time and performed live for the Half-Term Karaoke singing Eight Days A Week by The Beatles, complete with harmonised vocals & fully acoustic.

Friend or Foe?

Easy to get along with, a complete stranger can introduce themselves to him and become a friend in a matter of minutes; Heskey doesn't like falling out with people, or picking sides between two of his friends, which happen to dislike one another.

As for foes; Heskey has very few and intends to keep it that way. The only way to become a foe is through back-stabbing, talking behind his back and generally being an arse. Fortunately this only applies to few people.

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Promotional poster for the 2004-2007 Manchester cast of Starlight Express.

Starlight Express

A known enthusiast of the musical Starlight Express, Heskey first saw the show-on-wheels at the early age of 5 down in London, and again in when he was 11. Since the first performance he, his brothers, mum and dad have listened to the Original Cast Recorded Soundtrack that many times that the lyrics have been forever burned into their heads.

Recently having seen it twice in Manchester the soundtrack is off the shelf again and onto the infamous iPod, and Heskey can be seen singing along with it, amongst his other musical choices as he walks home every night.

Though he would happily explain the musical to you, he maintains the view that like most musicals, if you haven't seen it you won't understand, or appreciate the magnificence of such a performance.

Slips & Trips

During the period of 2005-2006, Heskey has had a few rather embarrasing falls.

The first occurred during the summer season when Bramwell had told him about a lake up Cowpe that was relatively safe and pleasant to swim in on a summers day. When he, and other friends went up there one day, Bramwell was in the process of explaining how to enter the lake safely from a stone bridge without slipping. Heskey quite clearly underestimated how slippery the stone-slab was, and subsequently plunged face first into the water, immersing a few seconds later after desperate flailing laughing his head off, and complaining about how freezing the water was; which didn't give much encouragement to the already water-shy group.

The second occurrence was on the very last day of Lower Sixth, when Heskey, Emily & Clare were walking back to the Lower Common Room after running about The Glen when Fallows & Al appeared from some nearby bushes. They claimed to have found a rope swing, and so Heskey went with them to investigate. The rope was extremely secure to the tree above, however the swing itself was made out of a flimsy stick. Regardless, Heskey attempted a swing and the stick snapped. During Enrichment Week, Heskey was barely able to walk.

Fortunately, this hilarious event was captured on camera!

NOTE: A .avi (Audio Visual Interleave) codec, such as DivX, or XviD is required to view this video.

Heskey models Dani's dress at Simon's 18th.

Brave Boy

On Thursday 19th October 2006 (Pink Day), Heskey waltzed into Sixth Form, to the surprise of various teachers, friends and random other pupils, wearing his mother's pink blouse & cardigan, justifying this act of transvestitism on the grounds that he had no pink attire of his own.

He has since furthered this on 11th November 2006 at Simon Warren's 18th birthday party where, originally dressed as an engine driver, Heskey donned Dani's dress, protruded from the women's toilets in a scarily alluring Eddie Izzard-type way, and proceeded to dance in what he probably thought was provocative whilst bellowing a few lines of 'Hey Big Spender'. This was met by applause, and he proceeded to waltz around, particularly with Chris for a good hour after before deciding to get back into character.


Not many people can be proud to say they have invented something, but on a Sunday outing to Marl Pits, Heskey failed to make a high dive, and on his plunge to the depths resembled something that looked rather like, and thus has been dubbed; The Swastika. This invention was a one time occurrence, and has failed to have been replicated by the likes of Tom Law.

Extra Curricular Activities

  • Mr. Mushnik in BRGS' production of the Broadway musical Little Shop of Horrors.
  • Moderate Bass Guitarist
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Little Shop of Horrors logo.

Little Shop of Horrors

On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (29th, 30th & 1st) of November/December, Heskey was involved in BRGS' production of the Broadway musicial which was a complete sucess, a joy to watch and a pleasure to perform.

He played the part of Mr. Mushnik, the stressed-out owner of a failing florist business downtown until he hit the big money when his most useless orphen employee comes across a rare breed of plant that gets the shop rolling in cash.

The biggest part in the performance for Heskey was the song Mushnik & Son where Mr. Mushnik does a rather extravagent dance in a desperate plea to get Seymour, the main character to be his son, to tie him into the business and make sure he doesn't leave for better things, leaving Mr. Mushnik in the gutter.

When Mr. Mushnik finds out that Seymour fed the Dentist to the plant he confronts him about it, and the climax of the song is when Mr. Mushnik is eaten by the plant alive thanks to Seymour's trick.

Heskey & Abbey on Leavers Day 2006 at The Red Lion pub, Higher Cloughfold.

Weekend Habits

Those who he joined on the old upper sixth leavers day found him to be a ridiculous lightweight, but what he lacks in drinking ability he makes up for, in spirit! (Just not the alcoholic kind)

Heskey Hunt

Heskey is also famous for being lost for many hours at any party where drinking may be involved. These late night wanderings usually conclude with him being found asleep in various odd places, such as under desks, tables or at the bottom of the garden. This has more recently become a 'party game', where Heskey will slip away when no one is looking and ring one member of the party saying 'The Heskey Hunt Begins' before hanging up, and occassionally ringing someone else to give riddles that may help towards finding his location.

Unfortunately as discovered at Sam's 18th, the area between Bacup and Todmorden doesn't make a great location for a Heskey Hunt as it's just a 2 mile stretch of road uphill, with no where to hide without fear of being stabbed.

Dancing Queen

On the night of Friday 15th, Demember, at a JOON gig, Heskey from the off around 8:15 was up and dancing until 12:30 with close friends Dani C and Dani M rarely stopping for rest. Often joined by others who were at the gig, especially during JOON's half-way break when "Cha Cha Slide", "Time-Warp" and "Macarena" were played by resident DJ Big H which gathered almost everyone in The Heywood to form ranks on the dance-floor and nearly perfectly synchronise the dances to each song.

The Amazing JOON, with Nic up front.

With his 'default dance', and various moves picked up from the two Dani's, Heskey also brought with him a rather sexual, probably-not-to-be-performed-by-a-guy dance move which he even directed towards Nic Southwood, a friend of his and the bassist of JOON in the middle of their performance - Which was rewarded with Nic's pimp hat. However this dance move was acceptable to be performed by Heskey as no one else seemed to have seen it before; and out of everyone in the whole pub Heskey was quite possibly the most homo-erotic guy in the joint, even though he is completely straight.


  • Heskey! Ate The Disco (Sign stuck to his back)
  • My middle name is 'Dick'!
  • Heskey is Japanese for 'Cock'.
  • The relationship between a fool and his money is short lived.
  • How pleasant it is, when the wind is high and the seas are rough, to watch from the shore the struggles of others.
  • Hey Juliet, hey Mo - Mo hold my balls.
  • My arse is leaking! (Preceding the written version being politely asked by Mrs Boswell to be removed from the poster wall in the Lower Common Room)
  • If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town. - Matthew 10:14
  • We move in very different circles, don't we?
  • Gaza Strip eat your heart out! (Whilst observing a firework display at Wez's)
  • Yeah sure I can read that; I've got 50/50 vision.
  • If there was a modern Hitler, Emo's would be the new Jew - Zeigheil the Final Solution (Heskey does not condone genocide but he dislikes emo's with a passion)
  • I say what I mean; I don't mean what I say.
  • Watch what I do, not what I say.
  • It's water, honest.
  • Always under-estimate folk; You might get lucky.
  • Work sets you free!
*Heskey Splutters*
Sam: Are you alright?
Heskey: Yeah, yeah... Just uh... Water went down the wrong way... (See above quote)
Heskey: Strongbow! Strongbow! Which of you bastards hid my Strongbow?! 	 
Someone: Heskey, it's in the kettle.

Scrubs Quotes

Heskey is a known scrubs fanatic, keeping himself up to date on the current episode on showing in America. Having viewed episodes time and time again over 5 years, he has always taken in mind the pearls of wisdom of J.D.'s narration towards the end of episodes, and may sometimes relate to them, or quote them.

  • People in relationships are always quick to dole out advice, even though they're usually the ones that're messed up.
  • Who're you people to give me advice about anything when all you do is bitch about your relationships all day long? Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort, you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling just wishing I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realise how lucky you are!
  • I don't think people are meant to be by themselves. That's why if you actually find someone you care about, it's important to let go of the little things - Even if you can't let go all the way... Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone... No matter how many people are around...
  • Sometimes the person who does the nice thing is the one who suffers most. When you're the one who ends up paying the price it can really make you wonder - Was it worth it?
  • There's no better feeling than helping someone. I guess that's why it hurts so much when you end up looking like a fool.
  • When you get used to believing that everything happens to a reason, it hurts that much more when something doesn't.