Mr Ventress

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English teacher

Head Fashion

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Mr Ventress makes hand signs with his new hat on the West America Trip
What a fashionable person...

Mr Ventress is noted for his affinity for hats and occasionally, period dress. His 'deer-stalker' is probably the rarest of his hats to see, and the most common forms part of his "crème ensemblè". He sported a particularly attractive handlebar moustache in January and February 2006, its first sighting since flying the trenches of Europe in a bi-plane. Regardless of his odd sense of style, Mr Ventress is well liked throughout the school, having a reputation among staff and teachers alike for being funny yet monotonous, and usually in a good way, though occasionally not. When asked where he gets his clothes from, he says "an amazing shop in Manchester".

Strange Habits

  • Embarrassing students about their love life.
  • Sticking his hands down his pants.
  • Looking at you down his nose if speaking to you.
  • Stroking his mustache.

Eidetic Memory?

Mr. V has a scary habit of knowing every pupil in the school by name, even if they have never been taught by him (leading to some unsettling situations), and can also recite whether they have any siblings, their birthdate, favourite colour and preferred method of transportation to school. Or he could, at any rate. Whether he spent his evening revising the school's databases, or just has a photographic memory is not yet known.

Urban Legend

It is an urban legend that Mr. Ventress did once have an automobile in which he used to wrap himself up with the finest of automobile outfits (leather gloves, driving goggles, starched scarf, driving sock etc) and then he would proceed to tear round the Lancastrian countryside. This is unlikely to be true as Mr Ventress was not a driver (at last count; can anyone shed any light on more recent history?) due to his slightly lacking spatial awareness, and no need for automobile transportation in his day-to-day life, but one can dream.

Current Fashion

As is common knowledge, Mr. Ventress regularly changes his style of facial hair and headwear, apparently independently of both each other and his current clothing. But his latest fashion brought the nation to it's knees. Millions gasped in shock as they watched the 9 o'clock news. He was last reportedly seen wearing no beard or moustache whatsoever (in his own words, "It was a fake stick-on and fell off"), his classic flat faux-straw hat, and the perennial dark green jacket to accompany the ever-popular plain red tie. Many accidents and senseless violence soon occurred.

Also, do beware of his morris dancer suit. He has now even shaved off his hair to look more menacing and convict-like in his play "Great Expectations". Recently Mr Ventress has shaved his Moustache and Goatie and looks like a respectable gentleman.


  • "Don't over-excite yourself"
  • "Can anyone tell me what a muff is?" (no response from class except laughter) "It's what girls put their hands in when it's cold"
  • "Delicious."

Student: Where do you buy your clothes sir?
Ventress: From a Quality shop.
Student: Is that in Quality Street sir?
Ventress: YES!

year 7 Pupil: "Sir! Can I have my best book back?"
Sir: "I've eaten it."
Pupil: Can I have it back before year 8 sir?"
Sir: " Tough. I may have indigestion. Wait until year 9..."

  • "It's a brown suit" (Whilst talking about his Ochre suit - certainly not brown)
  • Disbelieving tone... "MMMMM...."

e.g. "Sir, I need another sheet of paper."

Me: "Sir you are going to do someone some serious damage with that brolly of yours if you continue to walk with it in that manner.."
Mr. Ventress: "THAT'S the intention!"

  • <Worst Southern States accent ever uttered by a human> <Quote from 'Of Mice and Men'>
  • "So, Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee"
  • "Estella was a horrid little bitch"
  • "If thi' wit were sh*t, then tha'd be constipated" (a poem he read during a Lancashire dialect lesson)
  • Shut up or you'll be defenestrated.
  • "Hmm yes... quite..."
  • "I can be a very violent person when roused...."
  • (about to drink some water) "I'm just lubricating my throat"
  • "Choc chip!" instead of saying something is "mint"
  • "Tutti Frutti is also a popular one amongst my year nines at the moment...", again demonstrating his wit by not using the word 'mint'.
  • "GENRE!!!"
  • "I remember when Miss. Lord used to be a nice girl. " - before remembering she likes Charles Dickens, and quickly correcting himself
  • It fell off in the night... (referring to his moustache, of course.)

Pupil- "wow that's mint"
Mr V-"choc chip"

  • To Miss Strickland on the door outside T3/T4: "Ooh, it's a bit stiff sometimes"
  • "R U Cumin to da party?" (Met by groans from class as it's his 500th time saying it)

In Critical Thinking

  • "The answer is D... No I didn't think it was that either..."
  • "You've got a D, because the mark scheme said so..."
  • "I don't know why you keep getting a D... All I know is that the mark scheme keeps telling me you've put the wrong answers down..."
  • Worst (female) Southern States accent ever uttered by a human - "play me some tunes, granddaddy"
  • Ah these? These are just my scruffs!

On the subject of clothes:

To Tom Hyatt: "Tom, Tom, are there some pillows without cases on the floor behind you?"
Next day, Hyatt to Mr. Ventress: "Sir, Sir, Colonel Mustard called. He wants his clothes back."

  • "Stop being facetious"
  • "Becky Howard.... No, ok. Sarah Finbow!"
  • Whilst stroking his new moustache "You're all looking a bit camp to be honest"
  • "Shut up, you're annoying."

R U Cumin To Da Party

This is a phrase repeatedly uttered by Mr Ventress at any possible moment, and sometimes even at moments when it really shouldn't be possible at all. This new catchphrase has even lead to a facebook page being set up about it. It did, however lead to the slightly awkward moment in one of year 10's (2006 intake) lessons where Mr Ventress anounced that his sixth form set had just told him that a bunch of kids from the lower school were slagging him off on facebook. (This, was nearly entirely false by the way)