Mr Hoyle

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Mr Hoyle
187.jpgMr Hoyle (middle) looking like a child with his helpers on an Iceland Trip
Subject -


Extra Curricular Involvement

Duke of Edinburgh

Famed for

how he says sedimentary rock

In brief

Mr Hoyle is a Geography teacher at BRGS. He is famed for how he says sedimentary rock and telling his classes about his Polish wife. He appears to have quite a passion for his subject, often getting cross if people do not understand geographical facts the first time around. As with most teachers in the school, he has his "own room" - which, for Mr Hoyle, is room 32. He has a liking for the band Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds. Has a more than strange way of talking: for example, instead of saying 'human' he would say 'U-man'. Famous for his unibrow, or, as it is known to commoners, monobrow.


  • "In the rainforest it is very umid and the umans take a very big advantage to grow their crops such as carrots(missing out the 'T's because he is very stupid)."


  • Mr Hoyle shows his GCSE class of 05-07 a slideshow of photos showing different living conditions in a place:

Hoyle: "I took these photos"

Students [shout together]: "No you didn't sir, we saw these pictures about 3 years ago! Mr Spencer showed them to us!"

Hoyle: "No, I really did!"

Students:"NO YOU DIDNT!"

Hoyle: "Oh okay, just a little white lie."

  • Mr Hoyle: "This looks like a nice city - but if you look here you will notice this part where all the scummy scum scums live."

Random student: "IT'S BURNLEY!"

Dance moves

Mr Hoyle has taken to creating several dance moves for a lesson on earthquakes.

The Mole, the most iconic, is basically squishing up your eyes and waving both hands in and enthusiastic fashion. Also, he has several moves for describing waves, involving arms waving up and down.


Pupil: "Sir, where did you get your jacket from?"

Mr Hoyle: "Burtons. Jacket, trousers, shoes, tie and shirt all for £100. Bargain." [short silence while still staring at the pupil] "You should buy your school uniform from Burtons too. Oh no, they only do mens clothes."

Student: Sir, why would you buy three-quarter-length waterproof pants?

Hoyle: What? I'm not wearing....

Student: I know, I know, I just wondered why they sell them...

Hoyle: Well, the water drips off lower down your leg, so it's more comfortable

Student: Eh?

<five minute explanation about advantages of three-quarter-length waterproof jackets>

Student: No, three-quarter-length PANTS!

Hoyle: Oh, pants? Sorry, I thought you meant jackets. Well, it's just personal preference really, I suppose they're cooler and more practical in hot countries, to keep your legs cool.

Student: But then you'd get your feet wet.

Hoyle: What? You wouldn't wear them when it was raining.

Student: Then why are they waterproof?

Hoyle: Oh, you mean WATERPROOF three-quarter-lengths? Erm. I have no idea.


  • "Yes, I live in Salford. I am depressed and have no job. I will sit in a corner and sniff glue."
  • (to Zak)You should never throw glue sticks. Zak: You did, sir. Mr Hoyle: Yes, I am a skilled practitioner at throwing glue sticks. Your throw is elementary rubbish.
  • "British Seaman entering African Ports"
  • "She died....?"
  • (Hoyle caught a student was looking at porn on their phone and grabs the phone) "That is inappropriate for the classroom! (presses a button) "Who's Amy?" (presses another button) "Whoops, I've just sent it to Amy"
  • "We're gun'ta.." [we are going to]
  • "SEDIMEN(big pause)ARY ROCKS!!!."
  • "STOP! WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING?! I HAVEN'T READ THE NOTICES OUT YET!........Oh... yes I have. Off you go to your next lesson."
  • "Discharge is measured in cumecs, which is how many cubic metres [writes "cum" on the board] pass a point per second [adds "secs" to the board to form a word] which is why it is called...[notices what he has just written and the class starts laughing]..oops, not that."

In 9S geography 05/06, Mr Hoyle walks round with fly undone. Martyn sends a note to him: 'Sir, your fly is undone.' Mr Hoyle sends a note back: "Martyn, your shirt is untucked."

In 9R's lesson a rebellious child has flicked chewing gum onto the interactive board...

Hoyle: That wasn't there before, who put it there?

[pulls it off, stretches it between fingers and smells it]

Hoyle: Mmm, juicy fruit, my favourite!

[shows girl sat next to the bin his marvellous find... and pops it in the bin. Whole class sits in shock.]

  • 11S registration - "I'm not blaming anyone, but I know it was you two."
  • Dictating to an upper sixth class about AIDS. "the female doctor returned from Africa rather un well ("full stop"). She died ("full stop").
  • Again "The spreading of AIDS has been put down to seamen" class bursts out laughing "Yes well what other word could I have used?" the word "sailor" gets muttered around the class. "Oh yes, well I suppose that is better, I'll use that next year".
  • Drak(sounds like he is swallowing)unsberg mounains

Mr Hoyle has a really posh and annoying way of speaking, almost as if he's drunk!