Samuel Walton

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Sam as a south park character


Sam started his life in Burnley General Hospital on 11th December 1988. He then returned home to Bacup where he began residence in a small terraced house in which he lived for around 8 years. During this time he attended primary school at St. Saviours Primary School in Bacup. He later moved house about 100 metres across the road to his current residence.

After failing his 11+ he suffered travelling to Haslingden High School every day for 5 years. It was here that he met Chris (which is now widely regarded as a bad move). Despite the traditional Race Wars and bullying he pulled through with respectable grades and made a none too firm descision to continue studying for A-level at BRGS Sixth Form. This has shown to be a good move.

Through Lower Sixth, Samuel studied Physics, English Combined, Art, Critical Thinking and Maths, enjoying the majority of his lessons, though despising the majority of his maths lessons.

This was reflected in his AS-level results, gaining C in Physics, D's in English and Art and U's in Maths and Critical Thinking. He was very proud with his maths result at having done so amazingly badly.

He then firmly decided Maths was a bad idea and gave up on the subject entirely and vowed never to study it again. He continued into A-level with his 3 remaining subjects along with gaining General Studies.

He is now having a much better time.

He is still a part of form CH, although much more time is spent residing in the Lower Common Room around the CD player and also especially with his girlfriend Kirsty Horbaczewskyj.

He generally insists on playing loud and/or heavy music on a daily basis, though sometimes he listens to more mellow music. It must be said that Samuel is a very reasonable fellow who will listen to people who wish to tell him about his taste in music and he will gladly accept other music. He is often seen larking around with Chris and other friends but he is also fairly quiet if nothing much is happening around him. He is a very fine person to talk to and will hold things in dearest confidence if they are so wished (confirmed very muchly by good friend Dani Mannion)

Samuel never appears to get stressed, this is because he has a very high tolerance level. If you want to get angry with him, he generally won't care or give you a second glance, but if you talk to him in a civilised manner, he is certainly more willing to hear it.

He loves to draw things, including his famous copyrighted Baked Beans. He also draws stick people, castles, fish, and bubbles. He is not shamed to say that he is good at Art from how many people have told him so. All he can say is that he tries his best. Samuel is also the proud owner of a caricature on the poster wall, the only one with a removable t-shirt and he is the reason for the Narnia drawing behind the locker door in the Lower Common Room.

Over the past year and so many months, Samuel has only entered the Upper Common Room a grand total of around ten times. This is not because he has anything against the place, it contains the canteen - this is quite obviously a good thing - he just prefers his place in the Lower Common Room, and generally has no need to use the Upper Common Room at lunch, as he ventures into Waterfoot to enjoy chips and such.

In more recent events, Sam became the winner of the 6th Caption Competition with his quote of: "Mr Elmer sends telepathic messages to Ben to hit the student doing the "bunny ears" over the head with a chair."


Ok, even more presently, this boy lives for most of the time in Manchester when he is at university. He studies Landscape Architecture at the slightly less popular Metropolitan university. Generally he has a compulsory 5 hours a week. This is good because he has lots of free time, but bad because he may or may not be inclined to do work in said free time. He can sadly no longer be found around the LCR around the cd player, since neither now exist.

His A-Levels were passed - evidence is in the form of his current location - with not too many flying colours. Results were thus: C gained in Art, English Combined and General Studies, and D in Physics. Not entirely what was hoped for, which was: A in Art, B in English and a hopeful C in Physics with a C in General Studies. Sadly this didn't happen and pulled through by the skin of his teeth and managed to get where he can be found today.

During the mountain of spare time that he enjoys, Samuel likes to play PC games, watch films and anime and listen to music in the comfort of his room. Other such activities include going to Games Workshop to play and paint warhammer, and slightly more energetically, goes rock-climbing whenever his course allows. He attends Satan's Hollow fairly regularly - this is a 'rock club' although Sam thinks that this is a misleading title as the majority of music is emo or punk, neither of which he is a fan of. A further pastime is an eating activity; going to Buffet Metro in Manchester centre on an almost regular basis - so regular in fact that the staff recognise some of the group by name and certainly well enough to talk to - where he and others, occasionally including Vicki or Simon, enjoy plentiful food and good company.


Over the past few years, his taste in music has gone from a very general liking of almost everything, he now has a more defined approach to what he prefers. This tends to be heavy music, that some would say has either a) no tune, b) no discernible lyrics c) both of these, or is just too plain heavy. But he does like other sort of music as well.

A general list being:

  • In Flames
  • Chimaira
  • Arch Enemy
  • Opeth
  • Led Zeppelin
  • Disturbed
  • Marilyn Manson
  • Graveworm
  • Deathstars
  • Linkin Park
  • Soilwork
  • System of a Down
  • Rammstein
  • Lamb of God

There are a great many other types, but those are Samuel's main ones. It is fair to say that the list mainly shows only heavy music, this is only because that is what he usually listens to.

Other bands/artists in his collection include:

  • Prodigy
  • Kings of Leon
  • Editors
  • Static-x
  • Muse
  • Moby
  • Gorillaz
  • Tchaikovsky
  • Evanescence
  • Killswitch Engage
  • T.a.t.u
  • Children of Bodom
  • Eminem
  • Placebo
  • Green Day

Admittedly, some of these are not liked by some people either.


Sam admits that he has been to far few gigs in his time. This is most likely down to being shy, funny as it may seem, but that is very probably the reason. He has been with his parents to many of these, but thankfully also with friends to a good half.

Bands/artists he has seen - somewhere in the right order - are:

  • Michael Jackson
  • Elbow
  • Longview
  • Audio Bullys
  • Basement Jaxx
  • The Rakes
  • The Editors
  • Franz Ferdinand
  • Eagles of Death Metal
  • The Subways
  • Angels and Airwaves
  • The Strokes
  • Foo Fighters
  • Marilyn Manson
  • Biffy Clyro
  • Linkin Park
  • Pain
  • Nightwish
  • Mindless Self Indulgence
  • Opeth
  • Arch Enemy

It must be noted that Sam is distraught at not being able to go to The Unholy Alliance Tour, which just so happens to be: In Flames, Lamb of God, Slayer, Children of Bodom.

The next list comprises bands that are not yet famous - though some of them really should be:

  • Isolation
  • Inflight
  • Dead Mole Crickit
  • Architect
  • Eustacia Vye
  • Joon
  • A New Day Falls
  • Kantankarous Klout


Presently fascinated by the phenominon that is Sentric Pool, Sam would very much like to play both versions. The second variation is highly appealing for there being a large chance of pain/injury/maiming/burning, lots of burning.

Poi/meteors - although becomning fairly good at these, there is a very high risk of bodily damage and/or other injury. On one occasion, Sam had a serious fight with the meteors resulting in extreme pain for several minutes. It is quite surprising that he was not rendered infertile in that bout. Some may recall the very first time Sam took it upon himself to learn the art of poi, during which both poi became entagled and swung down to hit Sam in a place no man wishes to be hit (much to the amusement of all present).

Rock-climbing is a very fun pasttime presently. He goes close to every week on a Wednesday with Dani and a couple of others.

Sam also enjoys partaking in a lovely meal of tuna mayonnaise and baked beans. The same love of this 'strange' meal is also enjoyed by good friend Becky. One day they hope to have a dinner party serving only this fascinating dish.

He likes doing puzzles and jigsaws, especially ones with obscene amounts of pieces. They keep him occupied for hours. He has several at home, a couple have 1000 pieces; one of which, stupidly, is a galleon at sea with an overcast sky - it took him 4 months to complete the sky.

Samuel is the proud (also excited) owner, of a Lightsaber. It changes colour between red and blue. It makes lightsaber noises. Sam also made his own Jedi outfit, which made him very excited. It is a very nice Jedi outfit so Sam should be very proud of his sewing abilities.

Sam is also a dedicated geek along with Chris, Jono, Simon and Tom. They are very very special boys... This includes computer games such as Half Life 2 including episodes 1 and 2, Team Fortress 2 and Portal - all of which are Valve games and can be found in the 'Orange Box' collection - Guild Wars, and the mighty game world of Warhammer 40K. Much time and effort and money has gone into this spectacular hobby which will shortly evolve in Apocalypse, where the minimum size for a force is 3000 points. These are also exciting times. This hobby is shared also by Simon, Chris and now Vicki.

Sam is also the proud (and once again, excited) owner of a pair of NEW ROCKS! Times are good! This will shortly grow into a second pair of New Rocks, since he needs something to go with his mounting collection of Cyberdog attire. Student life doesn't seem to have got its priorities right.

One thing that occurred most recently (at time of writing) on the occasion of Red Nose Day '07, Sam came into school wearing...

...a black, velvet mini-skirt and fishnet tights.

He apparently came up with the idea 2 days before the event was to take place; so both very bold and very silly, but very funny at the same time. Many people laughed, stared, pointed or all three. Some passed comment. His closest friends found it hilarious, and didn't think when he mentioned it to a select few the day before that he would actually do it. Even most of the teachers didn't care. This leaves the exception of Mr Elkington, who said it was inappropriate and not 'transvestite day.'


There are many strange things that occur around Sam, but recently, there has been an alarming number of people who have mistaken him for someone/something else.

  • He has been mistaken for being female on numerous occasions. This would cause him to be a lesbian, which he definitely isn't.
  • And also, on 12.10.06, he was told - by his form tutor Mrs Hudson - that he resembled Lawrence Llwellyn Bowen.
  • Sam also has rather an unusual nickname. After suspect activities behind a wall at the eighteenth birthday party of Eleanor with Kirsty, Sam was awarded the title of Nympho de Fluff Fluff, which he has expressed his objections to. Also the choices of shaving off his beard or refraining from nympho activity with Kirsty

  • After much deliberation, I really could not think of anywhere else to put this next point, so here will have to do. One one relaitvely sunny and fine afternoon, whilst doing work for Mr Archer in one of his grand Eco-Schools projects, myself and Chris were digging some ground up - not too exciting you may think - but it did get so. You may hve heard tales of it. There was a stone in the way of where I was driving my spade, so he went to move it. You can probably guess what happened next. I nearly cut the end off one of his fingers.

Lovely. Chris stood there looking at it while it bled. I said, "I think you might need to get that looked at."

  • If that is not the most understated response ever to something of that nature I would like to know about it.

The Lower Common Room Clock

Due to the disbanding on the LCR, Samuel took it upon himself to acquire a memento. After already having a collection of board marker pens and wooden door wedges - God knows why - and one door locker - sadly not the same one that Narnia could be found behind - he wondered what else could disappear. He seriously considered a CO2 fire extinguisher, but decided that this would be far too conspicuous and heavy, so he chose the next best thing; the clock. Many of the teachers - well, Mrs Boswell certainly - may have noticed by now but it is beyond their reach - or care.

The clock is now kept in his room and is fulfilling it's primary purpose as a time keeper - not that he ever gets anywhere on time.

Pringle Master

  • He is very proud of the fact that he holds the title of Pringle Master. This is similar to Kroll's Freddo Challenge, though the aim is to fit as many pringles - flavour doesn't matter, although Original is recommended - into one's mouth, and eat them all without dropping any bits, or being sick.
  • The record is 16.
  • Probably the sole reason that this record still stands is that no one is stupid enough to try it.
  • He recently attempted 17, and failed, as he put "pathetically".

"I'm Hungry"

It should be noted that Samuel has a very large appetite and that he will eat almost, though not quite, anything. It has been said that the world will end if he gets full.

Some of the things he is more partial to are:

  • Nik Naks
  • Random Bags of sweets found in the Lower Common Room
  • Cadbury's Cream Eggs
  • Malt Loaf
  • Doritos (Chilli Heatwave)
  • SPAM
  • Tuna Mayonnaise and Beans
  • KFC
  • Twiglets
  • Oh, why bother, the list will just keep going.

It has also been seen that Sam can eat unnaturally large quantities of things that really shouldn't been eaten such. For example, once at a Physics convention, dough-nuts were provided at the interval. This turned out to be a big mistake for all the other students present. The department had only thought of catering for about 150 people or so to have one each, maybe two if you were lucky.

What they didn't expect, was Sam.

At the sight of so many trays of dough-nuts, his stomach sent a telegram to his brain to engage eating mode. He co-operated most well and preceded upon the bounty. The dough-nuts did not last long - to say the interval was only 20 minutes, and in a crowded convention - in such time he devoured a total of not one, not two, not three, nor even five, but twelve (12) whole jam-filled sugary dough-nuts.

It was a happy time.

Just so that everyone knows, Sam sticks reassuringly well to the 5 second rule and is not a complete scruff when it comes to the usurpation of unwanted food.

It is largely agreed that the day in which this boy is full... is surely the sign of a coming apocalypse.

University seems to have put a damper on the quantities of food that manage to be processed within the manchine of his belly. Things no longer appear to be as affordable as before. This does not mean that he won't eat something if he can get his grubby mitts on it for free though.

Cheap shops have never been so wondrous.

Sam's House

This is one of the strange things that has happened to many people over the years. Samuel's house has become increasingly popular a) with people simply visiting, b) people coming to parties, and/or c) people staying over.

Points a) and b) are even more popular with gatherings taking place on an average of 1 every 4 months or so.

One of which is to be happening very soon in fact.

Some of the many things that have happened:

  • The theft of Simon's camera - found in a kettle.
  • The theft of Heskey's Strongbow - found with the empties.
  • The theft of Simon's right trainer - found on the roof.
  • The loss of Heskey - found under the computer desk.
  • The do-ins scared out of Heskey by Chris flashing - he was not the same for some time after.
  • Staying up to watch the sun rise.
  • Dani Mannion finding a frog...and getting rather excited about it.
  • Amazing amounts of nudity in general.
  • Sam's parents been kept awake by Eleanor singing, and mentioning it every time she sees them.
  • Fireworks that tried to kill everyone in the vicinity.
  • Heskey stripping naked to greet Chi wearing only a leather trenchcoat.
  • The theft of Heskey's jeans and boxers - the boxers went under cold water and then into the freezer.
  • The removal of Fal's T-shirt - that ended up in the ice maker in the other freezer.
  • General cross-dressing and clothes sharing.
  • It has been noted that Sam's house does not look the same when one is sober.
  • Charlotte Cole and Dani Mannion's attempted rape of Becky, mainly involving the attempted removal of all her clothes...both girls maintain this was merely an act of friendship. Somehow Becky's bra ended up being stuffed out through the cat-flap.
  • The attempted violation of Tom with a bottle, whilst being straddled by Eleanor and Dani - just as Sam's grandma walked into the room. She may recover in the next millenium or so.


  • "It's not an apple. It's a melon from an apple tree!"
  • "Watch this, I can spell Onomatopoeia on a calculator!"
  • "Ow, you walked into my face!"
  • Dani:"How exactly do you break a pressure cooker"

Sam: "With a Haggis!"

  • I can Kill someone With Poi!