Gareth Ashworth

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Gareth is in Upper Sixth, and is the son of Mrs Ashworth, and one of the best under-eighteen chess players in the UK.


Gareth Ashworth, better known to those that experienced years 9-11 with him as ‘Gaffro’, is famed half man half afro. In his earlier years in BRGS he would often forgo having a hair cut, sometimes over periods as long as six months. This dubious habit evidentially led to the discovery of his half human nature when his hair grew massively out of proportion to the rest of his body. Whilst Gareth now favours crew cuts in order to hide his biological essence from civilized society evidence of this earlier period of revelation can be found on one of the more recent school photos. He is very shy.

Whilst Gareth has almost fully embraced the dress code introduced in September, often being visible in a full suit with a stylish shirt, there has been an incidence to the contrary. On September 27, 2006, he shocked many an occupant of the lower common room by entering bedecked with a bright yellow sombrero. This infringement of uniform was mostly ignored by staff and the older inhabitants of the lower common room but was considered unsuitable by Deputy Head Dr Edwards which resulted in the semi-postponed confiscation of the sombrero despite Gareth arguing the toss. This has since been 'retrieved' from Dr Edwards' office as was evident when he was seen walking home from Bacup centre during heavy rain with the legendary hat firmly attatched to his head.


At the start of sixth form, Gareth studied Maths, Chemistry, English Language, Geography and Critical Thinking. It soon became apparent that he found Maths at AS far less enjoyable than he had found it previously and dropped the subject after the summer exams. This caused certain problems as he was no longer able to study a Chemistry-style subject at university without another science subject. He decided to take up Biology for this purpose and the venture appears to have been quite successful despite his dislike of the labs the subject is taught in.

In his eighth, and hopefully final, year in BRGS, Gareth has chosen to take on the challenge of both AS and A-Level Psychology simultaneously. This has given him a near-unique perspective of the subject.


Gareth considers himself to have a fairly varied musical taste despite the majority of it being metal. Some off-the-top favourites include:

  • System of a Down
  • Rob Zombie
  • Megadeth
  • Dragon Force
  • Iron Maiden
  • Drowning Pool
  • Nightwish

Other, less metallic things he listens to (or at least forces the lower common room to listen to) are:

  • Snow Patrol
  • Muse
  • Duran Duran
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood
  • Fleetwood Mac

A variety of old rock classics such as 'Poison' (Alice Cooper), 'Paint it black' (The Rolling Stones) and 'Don't Fear The Reaper' (Blue Oyster Cult) also make an appearence on his mp3 player. This may be the result of either good taste or him slapping his entire media libray onto the said device.

In recent months, Gareth's taste in music has noticably moved in favour of heavier metal bands such as 'Dimmu Borgir', 'Cradle of Filth', 'Annihilator', 'Opeth', 'Machine Head' and 'Sanctity'. This change can only be described as "for the worse" and is suspected to be the reason why there hasn't been an outright riot over not having a CD player in school.


Gareth is often seen throughout school sporting what is quite obviously a bag designed for hiking up mountains. While some speculate as to whether this is from fear of the appearence of a new mountain range in the valley or due to the much-loved gradient of the school slope, greater speculation arises as to what the infamous bag actually contains. The sheer mass of it would indicate that Gareth isn't just carrying around the usual school books, however, no one has yet been able to confirm its contents. Some known facts are:

- The bag contains a bottle filled with liquid the colour of urine

- The bag was seen to be 'bleeding' a green slime while Gareth was on a field trip to Wales.

- Plutoneum weighs a lot.

Life of Crime

While in school Gareth will rarely do anything to provoke punishment, however, rumour states that this does not extend to his life outside of school. Once while being served by one of the dinnerladies he was referred to as 'Mafia'. From this, one can assertain the true reason for his regular purchasement of canteen meals; they are diurnal bribes to prevent the welfare staff from exposing his secret identity as the notorious gangster Bongo Extreme running the Bacup Mafia.

Further theories suggest that 'Bongo' was in fact also the financial backing behind Certaxe and Loko's Furniture 'Cleaning' business.


Gareth has managed to sustain remarkably few injuries during his time at BRGS, however, some experts believe that this is in fact not the case in recent times. In the last year a near inaudible pressure-release sound can be heard when he takes a step with his left leg. This is believed to be caused by this limb being an artificial construction with a 'dodgy' hydraulic system. The reason for the presence of the fake leg has been attributed to a gunfight it which Don Bongo Extreme had his leg blown off.

Gareth denies all connections to the Mafia, Bongo Extreme, all aligations that his leg is in fact false and that it can be removed for use as a double-barreled, sawn-off shotgun.


In recent weeks it has come to light that Gareth has an unusual and intimate knowledge of penguins, specifically those involved in the so-called "Penguin Mafia". When asked on the subject Gareth damned the term "Penguin Mafia" as inaccurate, claiming that the Mafia was never of Italian origins but instead originated in Antarctica.

He revealed that penguins are actually the secret rulers of Mafia organisations worldwide, providing the evidence that an emperor penguin could easily pass for a human in a tuxedo (or a human dressed up as a penguin) and that staring down the barrel of an AK-47 with a dark eyed, beaked and flippered merciless penguin bodyguard at the other end is far more intimidating than if it were held by a human.

Further evidence included the penguins' ability to swim at speed, claiming that this was why the cops were never able to catch them in the act, and the sub-zero temperatures of their native habitat was caused by a large sub-glacial arms facility which needed to absorb all the heat from the surrounding atmosphere in order to run. Even the penguins bunching together had criminal implications as this was clearly to keep within the penguin ranks what human eyes aren't ready to see, and some drug dealing and poker on the side.

When asked how penguins move about in our society he simply scoffed and said "Helicopters". Later, it came to light that the pilots of said vehicles were in fact pandas genetically engineered and employed by the organisation to protect their leaders. This is in fact the reason as to why pandas should not be considered an endangered species as primarily they are not a natually occurring animal and secondly because the Penguin Mafia keeps roughly 3,765,422,598 pandas working for them in their secret underground lairs in the Antarctic Circle and in Mt St Helen's in America.

The pandas were originally used as a sort of slave worker group but it soon became apparent that their union was too good. What followed was a series of devastating Panda-style equal rights campaign that ended in the bombing of Mafia boss, Don Pingo's house and the attempted assassination of the movement's leader, Patrick Panda. An uneasy truce was made between the two sides which lasted for the most of the morning's breakfast and ended with the implementation of a minimum wage scheme for our stripy friends.

When asked why the general public hadn't found out about this grand conspiracy he simply replied 'How many people die in Antarctica?'.

It is obvious from the information gathered in this brief time that the penguins are an extremely advanced race with technology far beyond our own; this may account for the quality of Gareth's artificial limb.


Gareth has never been particularly strong at the generally accepted sports such as Football but is believed to have some skill at chess. He also has a fondness for pool, which is surprising as he's terrible at it, and has gone on to make several variations on the game: Pin-Pool and Sentric Pool. He has yet to find anyone with the facilities to make Sentric Pool a possibility or anyone with the courage/stupidity to play it with him.

Assassination Attempts

In recent times, Gareth attended the five day Geography trip to Iceland. Whilst on this trip numerous attempts to end Gareth's life were made by our very own southern assassin, Mr Hoyle.

The first of these was done when traversing a path down to a rather impressive waterfall. A rope was provided as the means of preventing people from falling to their death into the river channel as it was most certainly the only thing that prevented Gareth from falling into the drink as the path was, rather literally, covered in an inch or two of solid ice. Gareth was on his way down towards the back of the group and was doing fairly well until Mr Hoyle stopped holding the rope taut. Several seconds later Gareth was propelled under the ropes.

The second attempt was done in an old Icelandic school that the group were allowed to have lunch in. Gareth was seated on a bench along with Mr Hoyle and several others. While rooting through his bag for his thermos flask, Gareth was subjected to another of the Geography teacher's vicious ploys. Mr. Hoyle, without any recognisable reason, maliciously stood up, causing the bench to flip rapidly. Only quick reflexes by our Bongo, something he was previously belived not to have, saved him from being deposited at unbelievable velocity directly into the cold, hard floor.

The final attempt was made on the last night of the trip. Mr Hoyle released a toxic biologically fixed agent into the room Gareth was sharing. The result of this was a near-fatal sneezing fit that made Gareth wisely leave the room immediately. Soon after, Gareth was asked to share a room with Mr Hoyle and Tom Marsh for the night. No one knows precisely what happened that night, all that is known is that several large explosions were heard and that Mr Hoyle has made no further assassination attempts.

Some experts speculate that Gareth used his false leg to club Mr Hoyle unconscious whereupon he was able to perform the surgery needed to remove a spinal implant placed on the teacher by a disatisfied Don Penguin.

Love Life

Gareth has a long history of relationships going wrong. Like most males, he finds most females attractive, however, there have been a few special interests over his tenure at BRGS.

The first of these was a woman by the name of Catherine Lye who recently fled to Skipton. Our Gareth, being the shy, underhanded gangster he is, did nothing about his infaturation. While this has been the excuse given, certain documents pertaining to an unusually large disappearence and then sale of psychotropic bacterium dart launchers facilitated by one Don Bongo Extreme at the time of this incident have been uncovered, as well as a pair of slippers owned by Gareth that look to contain an interesting pathological bacteria.

Sceptics have attributed her leaving either to a dislike of BRGS as a school, or, the more commonly accepted theory, that a note from a particularly possessive (and perverted) female penguin arrived at her door one day remarking that she may like to relocate before a herd of rampant wilderbeasts 'escape' from a hidden cave under Whitworth.

Last year, rumours spread that suggested that Gareth had been seen wooing a flock of flammingos with a mixture of facial hair growth, weight loss and tranquilisers. Nothing happened following the incident due to the apparently plastic nature of the flammingos, however, observations continue...

Laura Binding, a french maiden often seen examining BDSM gear and with an unhealthy like of the word 'gimp', has recently ensnared the interest of Don Bongo. He claims that he find her personality extremely appealing, most just think he's a sicko.




"Gazz Azz"











"...." (possible mafia connection?)


"Never say that again!" oft said to Tom Mitchell after an erruption of randomness eg "C'mon chicken feed"

"NINJAAAAH!" (Answering a register, the pitch of this sound has been described as indescribable)

"You fail in life."

"Reading this a year after creating it makes me wonder what the hell I was on at the time."