Mr Ward

Background

Mr Ward AKA "Father Christmas" is seen by many of the students and teachers throughout the school as a complete and utter joke. His teaching style is known for being horrendously bad, and his mood unpredictable. However despite this, most of the school are fond of him and his gentle voice - in most peoples' minds giving him a resemblance to a panda. Common rumour is that he lives in the cupboard in Room 96 with Mr Parkinson and the infamous little dinner minion: Yorkshire Terrier.

On Film

Is a big fan of the movie 'Run Lola Run'. Has been known to show year nine classes French monkey cartoons on the curriculum for seven year-olds - allegedly accidentally swapping them for erotica on occasions.

Ich Habe Hunger

In a class teaching the 97 intake in Year 8, Mr. Ward started to sing a song called "Ich Habe Hunger", halfway through this he collapsed, smacking his head on, and leaving a rather large dent in, a nearby cupboard. This was met with the cry of "Oh my God!, Mr. Wards dead!"

Teaching Style

Mr Ward's teaching style is like his mood - erratic, unpredictable and of little use to anyone. Lower School lessons usually consist of 'writing a letter' to someone in German or French; or watching a video (usually 'Salut Serge'a French video for Primary School children, or 'Hallo aus Berlin' - a German video with cringe-worthy songs). Other cunning tricks include asking his watch whether it thinks the children should get lots of homework, and tailoring his sentences to the subject of the cover lesson he is taking, e.g. (Geography; volcanoes) "If you don't get on with your work, I'm going to ERUPT with anger." he likes to smack his hand vigourously and shought "NAUGHTY NAUGHTY!!!" also likes to pretend hes skiing around the classroom or pretending to ride a horse whilst spanking himself

Appearance

Like Mr Ventress, Mr Ward typically wears one suit of clothes for the whole year. This usually consists of a plain blue shirt and a South Park tie (though he tie has been known to change to a festive Looney Tunes number around Christmas). His facial hair consumes most of his face, giving him an appearance similar to a bear, Ewok or Father Christmas. However in a recent year 10 German class he did tell them that "Mrs Ward doesn't like my blue shirt. You see I have 2 and she thinks that all the students think that I wear the same one every day." To which the class replied, "Yes everyone does!"

Favourite Students

Like many other teachers, Mr Ward claims that he has no favourite student. Recent studies have come to show however, that Felix Mulderrig and Joe Oliver have managed to steal the big lug's heart in a way that no lion tamer ever could. All it took was a carefully placed muffin and a good load of TLC. Good on those boys.

Quotes

• Mr Ward uses a warning system in his classes, for disruptive pupils. In the style of a German football referee:

"Gelber Karte" (Yellow Card)
"Rote Karte" (Red Card)
"Gehe" ([to] Go)

• "You're NAKED," whenever a student has imperfect uniform, or presumably on the off chance that a student is really naked.
• "SALUT SERGE!"
• "Oh you're a cheeky one"
• "Didn't you do well."
• "It's Raining men"
• "This is NOT a strip club. I'll say again, THIS IS NOT A BLOODY STRIP CLUB!" Whenever someone has taken their blazer off before he enters the room.
• "Let's have a STOOOORIEEE!!"
• who wants to win a major cash prize? [usually 2p - 23p]
• "Come on down" whenever he wants someone to come to the front of the class.
• "You're good"
• "you're a clever one"
• "Um de ecke Boris Becker"

said in a cover lesson yesterday: when being asked about which other teachers he sat with in the staff room.

Student: Do you like Mrs Sellens? Mr Ward: Yes, but don't tell Mrs Ward that.