Joe Holdsworth-Miller

Factfile

Name: JOSEPH Holdsworth-Miller aka ShinyPsyduck

Form: 7R/8R/9R/10R

Age:(Why do you want to know? Stay away sick perverts! Haha I'll throw you off my trail by giving you my birthday! Only clever people will figure out my age - so i'm safe from people like Evie McDermott and Rebecca Dawson). 10/08/1995 I'm one of the youngest in the year which is rubbish because I don't have the honour of being the youngest and I can't call anyone younger than me.

Loves: Eve White,Chocolate, Shiny Psyducks!, Chips, Sweets, Pizza, Dots, Polar Bears, Cats, Rats, screaming, dying, radiators, being popette, Udders (on cows and not on cows), aubergines (as they sound cool, I've never actually tried one...) and Wolves

Dislikes: PE, Art, SOLDERING(I burnt myself and NOBODY CARED!), Maze Designing, Graphics, Mints Protein shakes, the name Joe, losing things... (which happens a lot),

The 'Space Mountain Incident'

On his year 7 trip to paris Joseph managed at disneyland to pee himself on the big space mountain resulting in Michael and Eve telling the whole of year 7 (he peed himself not of fright but because he drank 4 litres of Coke, this caused a 2 hour hyper-active fit, he is hard enough to put up with anyway never mind a hyper-active Joseph, I almost killed him says Aaron). Aaron and Eve (now his girlfriend)were making 'PSSSSS' noises, saying "Drip Drip Drip"; "Water, lovely water" and other things of that sort for the whole time that they were queueing, because Joseph stupidly announced that he needed to pee.(Unfortunatly for saim, saim happened to be standing close to joseph and also needed to pee) This was another reason that he peed himself on the ride. It also probably didn't help that the ride decided to stop half way through because of really bad weather.

Protein Drinks

If Eve or Rebecca ever offer you a protein drink run for cover. Last time I tried one it contained coke, ketchup, salad cream, chips, fanta, milk, chicken nugget, strawberry smoothie, sour cream, salt, pepper, apple flavoured water and other items from fast food places. It was the most revolting thing i have ever tasted. Rebecca Says: You Should Have Checked If It Was Actually Coke Before You Drank It! Eve says: He knew what it was, we were playing the the protein shakes game. Rebecca says: He didn't know we were - we just offered him a drink, said it was coke and he drank it

The Udder Catastrophe

(Note: This section is an advertisement for Cottonshed the drama group as it is really fun) For some unkown reason, every term at Cottonshed I have a different fixation. Firstly, it was aubergines (AUBERGINES!!!!) as they are really cool and lead to the birth of AubergineDemon - a aubergine possessed by a demon that has lived for 200 years! Then there was the fixation with Cryogenically Frozen Grandmothers (of which I was one) as a character in a modern day Cinderella instead of a fairy godmother there was her great great great grandmother who had been extremely rich and cryogenically frozen herself so she could live to see the future. Then there was the Gingerbread Lumberjack (Origins unknown). After that there was an interesting session where we were told to make a nature program for aliens. We decided it would be a good idea to do a program on cows where the humans thought they were dumb animals but the aliens knew the cows were far more intelligent than humans. This lead on to a fixation with cows which lead to the birth of the Showk (half cow, half shark which looked like a shark with a dangling udder - I was the udder!) and the Cowtoise (half cow half tortoise that was a cow colored turtle with an udder that had wings and ate people). In an alien scene, I was an alien cattle (a cow without the head aka a large green floating udder). In a fairytale scene I was the Cow That Jumped Over The Moon (with realistic touchable udder). Also I have read a book called 'Storymaze 4: The Golden Udder' by Terry Denton.

The Were-Poodle Incident

Aka The origin of Joseph's hair (L'origine de Joseph's Coiffure in French or Die Herkunft von Joseph's Haare in German) Or The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night Time In Year 7 (possibly on the Paris trip) Joseph was bitten by a poodle which caused him to become a were-poodle. This meant that his hair grew to astonishing sizes, he gained what one person described as 'freakish super strength', his nerve endings all became dead, he gained dog ears (?) and an extremely high body temperature causing him to feel the cold (on sunny days!).

The Fish Fiasco

Joseph's family has a bad history of fish pets. Firstly, Joseph and Oliver were both bought a fish each. One year, when they came back from holiday, Joseph's fish, Darkfin (One fin was black, probably an infection) was lying dead on the floor (mysteriously outside the tank...) and Oliver's fish was acting very innocently inside the tank. Then Joseph and Ben got new goldfish as Oliver's was still alive and quite big. Things worked out quite well, there were two seperate tanks: one for Oliver's fish (Barney/Thunderbird 4/Gordon/Bob as the name constantly changed) and one for Joseph's fish Lightning and Ben's fish Nightshade. Then they decided to move all of the fish into one big, filtered tank to save on cleaning time. The family then went on holiday again and returned to be told by their cleaner that the fish were all dead. Nice. Why can't fish eat holiday sticks? For a while there were no fish in the Holdsworth-Miller household until they decided to visit the aquarium again. At the aquarium we decided to buy five small silver fish as they had back luck with goldfish and the more fish, the more that would survive. However, after about two weeks, something mysterious happened. One of the fishes tails dropped off. Soon four of the fish were dead and the only survivor had no tail. Then that fish died. There had been no time to name them. It was just their luck that the fish had a strange tailless disease. Next came Skittles the cat and Joseph was fairly sure that that meant an end to the fish. But one day his brothers came home with a surprise: a new goldfish called Fairy. Suprisingly enough, Fairy is still alive but Skittles likes to perch on top of the fish bowl and look into the water. It's only a matter of time before Fairy joins the other scaly pets in fish heaven.

Lost and Found (though normally lost)

During Joseph's life he has lost:

• 1 Acoustic Guitar in Year 6 that has still not been found
• 1 Electric Guitar (twice) which (luckily) has been recovered both times after about a week (not including all the times I've lost it temporarily in the Music Department for about 10 minutes which has happened a lot)
• 6+ Gluesticks - Everytime I get a gluestick I lose it. Even the ones which aren't mine.
• 2 Pencil cases - Still not found which I lost at the same time
• 1 Coat - Not found but has been replaced
• 1 Flash pen - I lost it on my first use as I left it in the computer. Not good.
• 1 tie - I once took my tie off for Drama Club and it went missing. I will never take my tie off again.
• Multiple pens - Some I broke, some I lent out to people but most I just lost (including the ones in the pencil case)
• 2 maths sets - As in the whole thing. Twice. I currently don't have one but I accept donations.
• 3 compasses (2 in the maths sets and a third that I bought for an exam which went missing afterwards)
• -1 calculator - strangely enough I seem to gain more calculators when I lose everything else (although the found one is now broken... ah well...)
• 4 protractors (again 2 in maths sets) I bought two and lost two. The story of my life.
• A large portion of money - I'm not sure why but I always seem to be broke but I rarely buy anything...
• 1 wallet (that contained about 20p)
• 1 phone (although technically it was broken)
• 1 whole PE kit that was never found
• 1 PE kit (the second one) which was lost twice in two weeks but (THANK GOD) was found on both occasions
• 1 German exercise book from Year 7 that was lost in Year 7, just before the exam...
• 1 locker key - which was given to Mrs until we found it at the bottom of a cupboard and I decided to take it. Bad idea.
• 2 bus rovers - I had to borrow money to get home the first time and the second I secretely bought another one.
• 1 Homework diary - I had saved up all my merits so that I could get all my commendations in one go but when I was about to hand it in I lost it. So I got none of my eight commedations.
• Several homework diary pages
• 2 resistors that I soldered so well that they fell off in the box and I lost them... I said I couldn't solder

The Snowball Argument

Saim and Joseph vs Aaron

• Joseph throws snowball at Aaron
• Aaron: Ow stop doing that
• Joseph: It's a snowball. Are you too old for snowballs
• Aaron: No I'm not too old but that thats not a snowball
• Joseph: Yes it is
• Aaron: No its ice
• Joseph: No it's clearly snow
• Aaron: Its too hard to be snow
• Joseph: Nah you are just being a wimp
• Aaron: But its not snow
• Joseph: Saim is this a snowball
• Saim: Yes
• Aaron: Its ice
• Joseph: It's two against one
• Aaron: Ice is hard, snow is white and fluffy
• Joseph: This isn't hard and it's white
• Saim: Look thats fluffy
• Aaron: It's not soft!
• Joseph: Throw a snowball at me and I'll prove it
• Aaron throws a snowball at Joseph's head. The snowball does not break
• Joseph: That didn't hurt
• Aaron: Only because there is so much hair. And you have no nerves. Just trust me it's hard.
• Joseph: Okay let me throw one at you
• Aaron: No because it might hurt especially with your freakish super strength and inability to do anything lightly
• Joseph: Aha! You said might! Because it's snow not ice.
• Aaron: It's f@@@ing ice!
• Joseph: Well it's cold, soft and fluffy like snow. Therefore it's snow.
• Aaron: IT's F@@@ing ICE!!!
• Joseph: I'll ask someone else.
• Joseph asks Year 7 that he knows
• Joseph: Is this ice or snow?
• Year 7: It's ice.
• Aaron: Seee!!!!
• Joseph: He lied. I don't care what you say it's still snow.
• Aaron: (Completely loses it) IT'S F@@@ING ICE!!!!!!

25+ Interesting Facts About Joseph

1 Has a chocolate milkshake with every school meal

2 Friends include Bobby Thompson, Owain Dawson, Aaron Barlow and Saim Ahmed

3 Is immune to pain... most of the time... (recent studies have proved that his weak spot is his waist. He hates being buzzed, and is likely to fall over. More testing required.)If he gets his hair caught on something he screams very loudly and very high pitchly proving his weak spots r his waist, his hair and his cheeks.

4 Has an innocent mind. Ish (thanks to the help of Aaron Barlow). (Aaron you started turning him sick, Eve finished it- how did i turn him sick????)

5 Is often seen with wet trousers - origins unknown (he claims water bottle)

6 Has extremely easy to guess passwords such as his name, his nickname, his other nickname, 123abc (his most complicated password yet), fred, qwerty, asdfghjkl (the middle line on your keyboard) and other passwords so obvious that there is no point in writing them down. (current: unknown)←joseph says haha. Its Lemming, well his home one is. How do people find out my passwords? Aaron has guessed my email account and is using it for his own ends. Nothing is private anymore.

7 Is a chocoholic

8 Has a peculiar fasination with dots whilst typing... yeah he wrote this...

9 Is known to have girly hair and even girlier eyes.(he has admitted to this)

10 Now likes cats after a eight month old stray came into his house. His family called it Kitty(the most original name ever)(now called skittles)

11 Hates the name Joe (Yet in order to irritate him his friends decided it would be fun to make a page called Joe Holdsworth-Miller

12 Likes to get his own back on Bobby. He just ends up getting hurt, though.

13 Perhaps wants to play 7 minutes in heaven with one person (Eve).

14 Loves the names JoHoMi and Joron... Which many regard as disturbing

15 Eats more chocolate than anybody else - yet he never, ever puts on any weight...

16 Chews like a horse

17 Has a plot for everybody in the class to suddenly get mysterious stomach cramps at the start of an R.S. lesson to waste time. It is strongly recommended that you try this, it can save you a lot of boredom.

18 If you wet his hair and scruff it up, he looks like Beethoven or Einstein. He has enough hair to make a ponytail. (it got cut... well slightly...)

19 Has been widely regarded as being dim in the extreme.

20 Has "removable foots" (not a typo) as he remarked on PE lesson

21 Has a monobrow like Mr Hoyle(no longer though)

22 Has a mustache (if you say so...)

23 Is going out with Eve White in 8n (Now 9N).

24 Cannot lie to save his life

25 Steals people's 5ps in his spare time (well thats what he claims he does)

26 Loses everything. Guitars, pens, bus rovers, homework diaries, german books, ties, sanity, checks, locker keys, his viginity(<--If Owain is trying to say virginity I haven't lost it)... you name it hes probably lost it

27 Has an unnatural habit of taking Logo!, Metro! and Understanding History books home in his bag

28 Is UTTERLY USELESS at Cricket (He can throw balls backwards, hit himself in the face with them and knock over his own stumps. Now tell me that isnt useless. I'm waiting). And Football. And pretty much any other sport you can name.

29 Is currently a Popette in the religion Radiatorism

30 Can sing a song about Radiators (can I)

31 Can't draw. Really can't draw.

32 Has a fixation with Necromancers

33 Dressed up as a Ugly Sister for a Pantomime

34 Screams like a girl

35 Whenever it's time to pack up, Joseph picks up everything on the desk and puts it in his bag. E.g. art department pencils, art department gluesticks, Owain's homework diary etc

36 Was the Lord High Executioner in Aladdin (His dad is the Grand Visier)

37 Was one of the four star characters in Forgotten, a character called Joseph based on himself (although it said in the character description that I was responsible... they may have made a mistake...)

38 Has been cast as a gingerbread man known as Paddy Ginger in a Panto.

39 Is very paranoid especially on non-uniform days as he is always convinced that he will be the only one in non-uniform and even when he's on the bus with other people in non-uniform he is convinced that they've all got it wrong.

40 Is taking French, History, Maths Plus and German for GCSE

41 Regards anything short of full marks as a failure (for himself) and absolutely hates (I mean dislikes greatly) being beaten in tests

42 Managed to break the sink in the bathroom, repair it so that it only broke if it was used and then accidently get his brother into trouble when Oliver had the bad luck to break the sink again by using it

43 Won a penguin drawing contest with a drawing of a sheep with an afro (Judged by Mrs Mansfield)

44 Had to play Prince Valiant in a pantomim and have his hair in a ponytail WOOP!

Interesting Places Visited By Joseph

Has been put in lots of bins and other exciting places such as:

• The bin in room 23
• The cupboard in room 64 (It's not a cupboard it's SHIRLEY!)
• The bin in room 64
• The bin in S3 (VOLUNTARILY!)
• Behind the computer in S3
• Bottom of the cupboard in S3
• Stuck behind room 89's door with only a German dictionary for company
• In the skip outside the Newchurch block
• In the bin in rm 89
• Turkey (where every meal involves chicken!)

Quotes

• HEY!! I wanna be on top!!

• Oh! It's vibrating! (Whilst Eve was at his house and he was on the phone to Becca D. The phone did vibrate though and it was unexpected).

• What?

• Whuh?

• I don't get it

• What was that?

• I have removable foots!

• I'm confused!

• Who?

• What did you say?

• I don't understand

• Unh?

• So what are we doing?

• What did the teacher tell us to do again?

• Aaron loves Jessica

• What am i supposed to be doing again?

• OH GOD RUN IT'S LAURA!

• Shiny Psyducks!

• MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

• YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNNNN (Rather than saying yawn he actually yawns)

• Yay!

• No Yay!

• I only got a lousy 29 out of 30!

• shouts out form room window 'Puffs!'

• "Izzy fancies Bobby" (Joseph is slapped by Izzy) a few seconds later "Izzy fancies Bobby" (repeat process)

• (Jumps in bin in S3) WOOOOHOOOO! (1 minute passes) I'm stuck...

• This IS a healthy meal! (said after eating a piece of chocolate fudge cake, a chocolate cookie, 3 pots of cream and a chocolate milkshake one lunch)

• I don't kick like a girl!

• Score! (Whenever he thinks he's done something right)

• (imitation of Saim said in posh accent) Boger off my estate please (Saim sent him a text with bugger spelt boger)

• Conversation between Saim and Joseph 1
• Saim: Let me see your work joseph.
• Joseph: No (Shields work)
• Saim: I just want to check my answers.
• Joseph: For the last time go away!
• Saim: Just let me check them.
• Joseph: BUGGER OFF!

• Conversation between Saim and Joseph 2 (Please note that this was a conversation about RULERS!!!)
• Saim: It's MASSIVE
• Joseph: Mine's bigger
• Saim: I've got two
• Joseph: Mine's bigger though

• Conversation between Owain and Joseph 1
• Owain: Great! Maths homework. I'll copy off you in the morning
• Joseph: Why don't you do it yourself?
• Owain: I'm busy.
• Joseph: So am I.
• Joseph realises this is a great time for a Owain/Rebecca Dawson joke
• Joseph: With Rebecca Dawson!
• The joke backfires. Badly.
• Owain: You're busy with Rebecca Dawson! I'll tell Eve that you're having an affair!
• Later that day...
• Rebecca A: Joseph. Are you free on the sixteenth?
• Joseph: I think I'm at Callan's...
• Owain: What was that about?
• Joseph: She wanted to know if I was free on the sixteenth.
• Owain: Joseph you naughty boy! Rebecca D tonight and Rebecca A on the sixteenth! Eve will not be pleased!

• Evie, stop being gayist!

Joseph's Rather Bizarre take on life

Yay I can now right in first person, its so exciting! Now on to what i think about my friends- in one sentence each!

• Owain- The penguin obssesssed evil doer. 5 words. (2 sentences)
• Bobby- Hmmmmmm Hard one how about a funny weird knowitall.
• Saim- Small and annoying. Only 3 words to counter balance bobbys long one). (2 sentences again)
• (Kieran- see above (Saims)
• Aaron- Evil and bunny liking.
• Callan- Only person who does not say my pictures are rubbish and Dolphin/Dragon obssessed
• Michael- Rich (possibly)

Moral Absolutes? Only for Joseph

I have recently noticed that lots of other people have different morals to me. For instance, the other day I went to lost property and saw a protractor. I decided not to take the protractor as it wasn't mine. Later that day, at lunch time, Kieran came into the room and told us about the protractor he'd pinched from lost property.

Another example. One day, in the form room, two of my classmates came up to me and told me how spotty I was. Forgive me if I am wrong but it is not generally accepted as a nice thing to do - pointing out how ugly someone is. I refrain from doing it to other people (partly because I know I am far more unattractive) because I know it would hurt their feelings which I do not wish to do.

Yet another example. Everyday at lunch when I sit next to certain people they move away which isn't a nice thing to do. Then when I know they can clearly see me, they go and sit somewhere else. And these are my supposed friends. They claim that its not me but the company I keep. Yet when asked why they dislike the company I keep they reply: 'We just don't like them, you know'. I don't just not like someone for no reason. Why are they so unfair?

The Turnip Song

This was created at Eve's birthday party in 2009. Joseph randomly decided to sing about being a turnip. The song goes like this...

"I'm a turnip

and you're a turnip

and we're all turnips together"

[repeat a billion times to complete the song.]

The song in incredibly catchy and will soon have the majority of the people in the room singing along with you. The downside is that the rest of the people will be trying to punch you.

The Best Saying Ever

'Don't worry if your life's a joke, and your successes few; remember that the mighty oak, was once a nut like you!' I thinks this is a great saying because you can call other people nuts without being particularly offensive.