Joe Holdsworth-Miller

Factfile

Name: JOSEPH Holdsworth-Miller

Form: 8R

Age:(Why do you want to know? Stay away sick perverts! Haha I'll throw you off my trail by giving you my birthday! Only clever people will figure out my age - so i'm safe from people like Evie McDermott and Rebecca Dawson). I was born on 10/08/1995

Loves: Eve White, Chocolate, Shiny Psyducks!, Chips, Sweets, Pizza, Rats and Wolves

The 'Space Mountain Incident'

On his year 7 trip to paris Joseph managed at disneyland to pee himself on the big space mountain resulting in Michael and Eve telling the whole of year 7 (he peed himself not of fright but because he drank 4 litres of Coke, this caused a 2 hour hyper-active fit, he is hard enough to put up with anyway never mind a hyper-active Joseph I almost killed him says Aaron).

Protein Drinks

If Eve or Rebecca ever offer you a protein drink run for cover. Last time I tried one it contained coke, ketchup, salad cream, chips, fanta, milk, chicken nugget, strawberry smoothie, sour cream, salt, pepper, apple flavoured water and other items from fast food places. It was the most revolting thing i have ever tasted. Rebecca Says: You Should Have Checked If It Was Actually Coke Before You Drank It! Eve says: He knew what it was, we were playing the the protein shakes game.

Interesting Facts About Joseph

Fancies Eve White

Has a chocolate milkshake with every school meal

Friends include Bobby Thompson, Owain Dawson, Aaron Barlow and Saim Ahmed

Has an innocent mind. Ish (thanks to the help of Aaron Barlow). (Aaron you started tuning him sick, Eve finished it)

Is often seen with wet trousers - origins unknown (he claims water bottle)

Has extremely easy to guess passwords such as his name, his nickname, his other nickname, 123abc (his most complicated password yet), fred, qwerty, asdfghjkl (the middle line on your keyboard) and other passwords so obvious that there is no point in writing them down. (current is scaryblue)

Is known to have girly hair and even girlier eyes.(he has admitted to this)

Dating the girl that many regard as a goth, Eve White.(Eve says: i am NOT a goth) Has admitted many times to fancying her and finding her 'fit' and 'beautiful' (vomitorius)

Hates cats as they kill rats. He likes rats and wolves.

Hates the name Joe

Likes to get his own back on Bobby. He just ends up getting hurt, though.

Perhaps wants to play 7 minutes with one person. (no perhaps about it)

Loves the names JoHoMi and Joron... Which many regard as disturbing

Eats more chocolate than anybody else - yet he never, ever puts on any weight...

Chews like a horse

Has a plot for everybody in the class to suddenly get mysterious stomach cramps at the start of an R.S. lesson to waste time. It is strongly recommended that you try this, it can save you a lot of boredom.

If you wet his hair and scruff it up, he looks like Beethoven or Einstein. He has enough hair to make a ponytail.

Has been widely regarded as being dim in the extreme.

Has "removable foots" (not a typo) as he remarked on PE lesson

Also has been said to have a monobrow like Mr Hoyle

Is going out with Eve White in 8N.

Cannot lie to save his life

Interesting Places Visited By Joseph

Has been put in lots of bins and other exciting places such as:

• The bin in room 23
• The cupboard in room 64
• The bin in room 64
• The bin in S3 (VOLUNTARILY!)
• Behind the computer in S3
• Stuck behind room 89's door with only a German dictionary for company
• In the skip outside the Newchurch block
• In the bin in rm 89

Shipwrecked

• Shipwrecked a story by Owain and Joseph
• We were crossing the Atlantic in our cruise liner trying to beat the world record for crossing the Atlantic in the shortest time possible when suddenly out of no where a storm began to brew. The thunder roared, the waves crashed against the side of our ship and the lighting flashed around us. We knew we were doomed. Then one of the bolts of lightning struck the engine of our ship and made a split in our engine. The ship started to exhale smoke as it burned. The fire started to spread and we knew we had no chance unless we jumped overboard. Michael sadly didn’t make it as when he jumped he got eaten by a dolphin which was angry at him for doing impressions of it when he screams. Aaron screamed in anguish and got eaten by a sea turtle purposely for he loved Michael. In the distance we saw an island and we knew we would wash up on it.
• Waking Joseph
• Owain slowly came to and looked around. There were his classmates lying spread eagled on the floor. He thought of leaving them behind but some of them began to stir so he decided to help them as later he might need to eat them. He walked over and helped them up one by one. Soon they all were all awake except for Joseph. First they tried calling Joseph’s name. Next they tried pouring sea water on him and in his mouth. Then Owain and Callan took it in turns to kick him in the groin. He eventually woke up after a tree happened to fall on him. They then decided to look around the island.
• After 40 minutes they had finished looking around the outside of the island. They would have done it sooner but Joseph and Bobby collapsed due to lack of energy. The island was beautiful with sandy beaches and palm trees. In the middle where they hadn’t explored yet there was densely populated (by trees) area. They had already found some rabbits that they made Saim skin and cook using some twigs as a fire. Unfortunately all the girls and Saim didn’t want to eat it until Ben Chicken stuffed it down there throats. Half of the girls puked it up but Millie asked for thirds. Then they decided to split up into two groups. Group 1, led by Bobby would look for water and the other (led by Owain) would look for shelter.
• Group 1
• Group 1 set off into the jungle on a quest to find something to drink. They had been marching for what seemed like ages yet Bobby’s watch which he was using as a compass told them it had only been half an hour. Currently Jayshree had to be carried because the idiotic girl had eaten a peculiar fruit that had left her spewing up bile. Then Bobby noticed a gurgling sound from behind. Cora had a can in her hand. It was filled with coke. Then her bag split and another 15 cans fell out. The group gaped at the sight. There was along silence then Cora burped. It was the most enormous burp anyone had ever heard. Even group 2 about a mile away heard the burp. Then all of the people in bobby’s team (except Bobby himself) ran over and picked up a can. In the confusion Cora was badly bruised and had one black eye. Bobby stared at her in disgust. Then there was a shout from ahead. Lucy had spotted something. The group ran forward and Bobby left Cora unpunished for now. Then low and behold was a brilliant, glorious, sparking spring. Bobby had never been so pleased to see water in his life. He just hoped group 2 were also successful.
• Group 2
• Joseph and Saim were having a friendly chat:
• “Saim, leave me alone!!! I hate you! Your small and annoying. SO LEAVE ME ALONE!”
• “Joseph, do you have any sweets? I always give you crisps. Its not fai…”

Joseph busy with the conversation had walked into a tree. Nobody bothered stopping as no one really cared about him. Then they heard a roar. Promptly Callan wet his pants in fear but it was only Josh’s stomach rumbling. They then managed to find a cave and while they were resting there Bobby’s group came and told them the news about the spring.

• The Rules

10 minutes later the group leaders had had a meeting and decided on some rules. They were:

• 1. No killing other people
• 2. No keeping better things for yourself (everyone looks at Cora)
• 3. No seconds unless there is spare
• 4.No going to the toilet in the cave
• 5. No swearing
• 6. No fighting
• Joseph asked them to put ‘No kicking in the groin’ but this wasn’t added.

Quotes

• What?

• Whuh?

• What was that?

• Who?

• What did you say?

• Unh?

• What am supposed to be doing again?

• OH GOD RUN IT'S LAURA!

• Shiny Psyducks!

Bobby: are gay!

• shouts out form room window 'Puffs!'

• "Izzy fancies Bobby" (joseph is slapped by Izzy) a few seconds later "Izzy fancies Bobby" (repeat process)

• (Jumps in bin in S3) WOOOOHOOOO! (1 minute passes) I'm stuck...

• This IS a healthy meal! (said after eating a piece of chocolate fudge cake, a chocolate cookie, 3 pots of cream and a chocolate milkshake one lunch)

• I kick like a girl!

• Score! (Whenever he thinks he's done something right)

• (imitation of Saim said in posh accent) Boger off my estate please (Saim sent him a text with bugger spelt boger)

• Saim: Let me see your work joseph.
• Joseph: No (Shields work)
• Saim: I just want to check my answers.
• Joseph: For the last time go away!
• Saim: Just let me check them.
• Joseph: BUGGER OFF!

• Rebecca / Saim: Have You Kissed Eve Yet??
• Joseph: No. Bog Off!
• Rebecca / Saim: Have You Kissed Eve Yet??
• Joseph: Bugger Off!
• Rebecca / Saim: Have You Kissed Eve Yet??
• Joseph: P*s Off!
• Rebecca / Saim: Have You Kissed Eve Yet??
• Joseph: F*** Off!!

(see end of Interesting Things about Joseph)

Annoying Joseph

If anyone wants to anger Joseph just call Eve a pinhead (Eve says: WTF?) and him a fathead. Or for other ways ask 8R (in S3)

Good to know your finally past the mental age of 6 Joseph