Simon Kroll

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A well known student at BRGS, famed throughout the school. His first name has been lost in the depths of time, but is rumoured to also be Kroll indeed many students are of the belief that he has no first name or his first name is in fact Kroll. Kroll was rumoured to be responsible for the presence, as of early 2006, of a series of stickers on school premises bearing the legend "KROLL". Kroll is also particularly notable for his incredible achievement in Geography... Though the department may not acknowledge it, Kroll is probably the finest and most committed geographer ever to have studied at the school. Has a habit of getting drunk and embarrassing himself, being somewhat of a lightweight. He is commemorated twice in the Lower Common Room. Once with 'Kroll is Gay' etched into a notice board, which was subsequently covered by the staff with a poster. This led to 'Kroll is Ultra Gay' being etched into another, which was again covered by a member of staff with a poster. Both posters have since been removed (the process continues daily). Kroll recently failed to finish his Duke of Edinburgh Gold Expedition as he became ill shortly after eating a wasp on the first day. A certain Doctor of Biology thinks he had a 'delayed hyper-reaction' - other staff just thought he was 'pathetic'. Kroll also holds the BRGS Record for setting up the balls on a Pool Table. Watched by a panel consisting of Peel, Lenny and Davies he first registered a time of 13.00 seconds, before smashing it with an even faster time of 12.35 seconds. Recently, resident Frenchie, Edward Citanova, attempted to destroy Kroll's record claiming a stonking 6 seconds was possible. The record attempt was witnessed by adjudicator Davies and timed by Alex White. Embarassingly Edward Citanova had underestimated adversary Kroll and could only muster a measly time of 16 seconds, a whopping 10 seconds off his overexuberant claimed target and a full 3.25 seconds off Kroll's benchmark.

Ah, distinctly I remember...

Kroll generally fails to appreciate fine writing in any form, preferring to focus on his interests in geogprahy, maths and aggression. The exception that proves this rule is Kroll's unwavering love for "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe. The seeds of his obsession are said to have been planted by Mr Overend, and have flourished to the extent that Kroll is now rumoured to know the entire poem off by heart; certainly, he retains the ability to recite sizeable sections of it while heavily drunk.

Log Fun

Yes that's right, Kroll has been known to "Get jiggy with it". The IT being a log.

Freddo Challenge

Kroll is also the holder of highest score set in the Freddo Challenge. Indeed it can be said that Kroll is the founder of the challenge, after foolishly thinking he could eat 100 Freddos. In actual fact, he proceded to munch his way through a measly 22 before feeling too sick to continue - much to the disappointment of the crowd that had gathered. People initially called this attempt "pathetic" and "shocking", but, after failed record attempts from Jonathan Peel and Philip Durham, such rebukes have been proved overly harsh.

Wild Thing

Kroll's occassionally uncultured manner and primitive habits have given rise to the belief that, contrary to being the son of two doctors, he was in fact raised in the wild, where he learned to hunt and fend for himself. Rumours that he was spotted scampering nude across a Cumbrian hillside by a startled Duke of Edinburgh group are sworn by some to be accurate, however unlikely they may seem.

The Book

Currently a work in progress, "A Life On The Bottle - The Simon Kroll Story" documents the life and works of Kroll, and follows his descension into alcohol induced embarrassment. The brainchild of Sam Stevens, the work sets to be released around Eastertide.


  • Get off my ****!
  • Kroll would like a biscuit
  • Get OUT of my form room!
  • Oh, come on...
  • Does she think Kroll sent it?
  • I like potatoes!'
  • cock
  • Sam: What do you have to say to yourself for in the morning?

Kroll: Why do I do this?

  • Student: Where are the sheep?

Kroll: They're hiding

  • (Kroll storms off from D of E group because they are singing 'Seven Nation Army'. He eventually catches up. In unison, they begin the song again. Kroll stabs Bramwell in the leg with his walking pole) "You're really starting to f**k me up!.............[mutter]...........singing songs about me."

Bramwell: "It's not about you. It was NME's 7th best song of the decade, in fact." Bramwell is punched in the shoulder.