Dr L. Arthur Robinson

Biography

Born in a distant time, Doctor L. Arthur Robinson (or Doc Rob, as even Mrs Helm calls him), is one of the most under-rated members of staff in the school. Everyone argues that Mr Fuller was one of the greatest teachers to ever live, but Doc Rob is arguably greater.

Despite doing ten times more work than anyone else in the school (and that's not to say other teachers are slackers, but he does everyone's timetables at the start of the year, random assemblies, teaches several classes in both Geography and CT, and is also second in command to Lord Morris), he never looks particularly busy, and often has time to take place in charity events such as hockey matches..

Put quite simply, his knowledge of Geography, or for that matter, ANYTHING, is superior to anyone else alive today. He can successfully give a ten minute lecture on complex Chemistry or Physics, perfectly delivered, and then state that his knowledge of these subjects is "pretty poor", despite knowing more than any student (or staff member) he talks to. Also, he is an absolute goldmine in terms of comedy quotes (below), and for all these reasons, and many more besides, he deserves his status as a legend of our time.

His impending retirement is a travesty of the modern age, meaning that future generations will never have the privilege of meeting this great man. It says something about his talents that his job is being split between two future candidates, or "mortals" as they are known...

Knowledge

Dr Robinson has an extremely robust knowledge on the topic of absolutely anything. The one thing that he was found not to know was why there was a '6' in the A2 Geography coursework spreadsheet's Spearman Rank Correlation Coefficient formula. Then again, who does?

He is also capable of "repairing" any dodgy electrical item merely by shouting at it. Even non-sentient electrical devices are in awe of Doc Rob's power...

Quotes

The Classics

How he says questions is legend, "kwesteons" thoroughly pronouncing every syllable

"Britain used to have nice cows, a nice black colour. Now there's all these foreign cows with a kind of horrible, mangey coloured ginger hair.*points to girl* JUST LIKE YOURS!"

"Those are NOT your pens!"

" Do the botty shuffle to clean that desk BOY"

"That's bloody hot!" (his response to getting burnt by a geyser in Iceland)

Sometimes reminds you of a bald eagle in a suit! (commenting on Lord Morris)

"Gordon Bennett!" (On colliding with a chair left in the basement corridor, which he failed to notice due to his towering height and a preoccupation with a piece of paper in his hand)

"Who Put that there!" (This time hitting his head on a fire hose hung on the wall)

"Oh Botherations!"

"Am I right or am I right?"

"Have you done this? Say yes"

"Processeeeeees"

"Out of the 1,297 students to attend this school, you are the first two to walk under my umbrella! You should write it in your memoirs! Oh look, this is the official BRGS whistle." *Puts whistle in mouth and blows at passer by*. "TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN, BOY!"

"I can't draw to save myself"

"Right!"

Mrs Taylor: "...Dreaming of Beyonce...."

Doc Rob: "WHO?" (looks distinctly proud of himself)

"You should be very privileged to have me escorting you to your lesson, only 3 BRGS pupils have been under the OFFICIAL (emphasise on official) BRGS umbrella, and to have ME walking you there, that's an honour. Well when you look back on your life, this should be a key turning point for you." Then when he's walked me to the door. "Goodbye," (walks back in the direction we came)

You Boy!

[always delivered in a thoroughly rattly voice at high volume]

"YOU BOY!" (delivered without any regard to age/gender)

"YOU GIRL, in the bandelero."

"YOU!...don't go to this school do you. Carry on." (to prospective year 6 student)

Dressing Down Quotes

"Go outside and shoot yourself"

"If you think you're going UP those stairs you're very much mistaken"

"THOSE ARE THE UP STAIRS!"

"Phillip Marsh is a very naughty boy"

"Don't forget to ask your granny to buy you some highlighters"

"Quiet boy or detention will ensue" (from 6th form yearbook class of '05)

In the course of lessons

"Imagine I'm the river"

"An Oxo cube is condensed cow"

"I remember that............... I must be old....." (covering History lesson)

"Awful thing... Country at a standstill... actually I liked it I got a few days off for that!" (talking to Mr Williamson about the Winter of Discontent)

"Stop complaining! These are quality Robinson Bogeys"

"And remember, Robinson's First Law is.." (they're all first laws, all 57 of them)

"Why are you holding up the sky?" (in response to people putting up their hands.. year 7 tech lesson - he was on supply)

"Oooh, it's a Tampax!!" (upon finding a tampon on the floor in a yr12 CT lesson)

"You know, green pen is what we Senior Examiners use. Mortals use red."

"I am a glacier."

"Right, I'm going to randomly pick one of the class" (proceeds to close eyes and spin hand through the air to simulate the effect of random selection, leading to a brushing of the head with a red marker, producing a "Potteresque" mark across the forehead)

"You know! Water! Water from a bottle, or WATER (points to his crotch)! Yes? Oh, nevermind then."

"Of course you have to be a resident of the U.K to be able to vote! Thats obviously why aliens cant vote isnt it?"

"Do you know what a conceptual model is? And we AREN'T talking about Naomi Campbell here."

Expressions of Anguish

"Why won't this work?" (Clicking the wall thinking it is the interactive white board)

"WORK!" (at any electrical appliance which doesn't want to do it. Mainly because it's not turned on)

"What the Dickens?" (In response to fire-alarm soundalike)

"Oh buggarage" (Whilst trying to back a minibus into a small gap and not quite managing)

"It's bloody hot!!" (Whilst being splashed by boiling geyser water in Iceland)

Quotes in the course of just three cover lessons

"So what is this? No, not a snotty hanky, it's humus"

"I'm being a tree! Come on!"

"I had a Chemistry teacher who changed his sex a few years after I left"

"Unfortunately it's French"

"I'm a bit thick"

"Crummy peds"

"You've obviously heard of Cherapunji?" *blank faces* "NO??" (If you haven't by the way, it is officially the wettest place on Earth, with something like 40 feet of rain a year. See, now you know :P)

"What do you lot do in the bath? Actually I'd best not ask.."

"Homework: Go home and have a bath"

"About 4 inches.. if you prefer centimetres then it's 100mm an hour"

"Oh no! The worm's been dissolved!"

Weapons of choice

Critical Thinking mind control techniques.

Umbrella, very dangerous when used.

Eye of the Hawk- The amazing ability Doc Rob has to see a undone top button from one side of the canteen to the other, despite the fact said year 7 had his tie done up at the time. This incident inevitably concluded in a spectacular display of 'YOU BOY!' which brought the entire canteen to a standstill until said traumatised year 7 (was it Joe Donnaly?) scuttled away behind Doc Rob's striding walk.

Some outstanding mysteries

• His initials are LAR. Yet he is known as Arthur. What is his mysterious first name? Answers on a postcard to locker 2532.

• How is he capable of being in twelve places at once?

• Did he indeed sleep in his office during the petrol crisis?

Mistakes

What? How very dare you! Doc Rob does not make mistakes.

(Well, OK, perhaps the one where he was covered in boiling hot geyser water springs to mind...)