Revision as of 21:35, 11 December 2006

Head Fashion

What a fashionable person...

Mr Ventress is noted for his affinity for hats and occasionally, period dress. His 'deer-stalker' is probably the rarest of his hats to see, and the most common forms part of his "crème ensemblè". He sported a particularly attractive handlebar moustache in January and February 2006, its first sighting since flying the trenches of Europe in a bi-plane. Regardless of his odd sense of style, Mr Ventress is well liked throughout the school, having a reputation among staff and teachers alike for being funny yet monotonous, and usually in a good way, though occasionally not.

Urban Legend

It is an urban legend that Mr. Ventress did once have an automobile in which he used to wrap himself up with the finest of automobile outfits (leather gloves, driving goggles, starched scarf, driving sock etc) and then he would proceed to tear round the Lancastrian countryside picking up local girls at his fancy and would then have his own moustachioed way with them. This is unlikely to be true as Mr Ventress was not a driver (at last count; can anyone shed any light on more recent history?) due to his slightly lacking spatial awareness, and no need for automobile transportation in his day-to-day life, but one can dream.

Current Fashion

As is common knowledge, Mr. Ventress regularly changes his style of facial hair and headwear, apperently independently of both each other and his current clothing. But his latest fashion brought the nation to it's knees. Millions gasped in shock as they watched the 9 o'clock news. He was last reportedly seen wearing no beard or moustache whatsoever (in his own words, "It was a fake stick-on and fell off"), his classic flat faux-straw hat, and the perennial dark green jacket to accompany the ever-popular plain red tie. Many accidents and senseless violence soon occured. Also, do beware of his morris dancer suit.

Quotes

• To Grant "Take your hand off your willy, boy"
• "Don't over-excite yourself"
• "Can anyone tell me what a muff is?" (no response from class except laughter) "It's what girls put their hands in when it's cold"
• "Delicious."

year 7 Pupil: "Sir! Can I have my best book back?" Sir: "I've eaten it." Pupil: Can I have it back before year 8 sir?" Sir: " Tough. I may have indigestion. Wait until year 9..."

• Eddie! What are you doing with my brolly boy.

• "It's a brown suit" (Whilst talking about his Ochre suit - certainly not brown)

• Disbelieving tone... "MMMMM...."

e.g. "Sir, I need another sheet of paper."

"MMMMMMMMMM......"

• Me: "Sir you are going to do someone some serious damage with that brolly of yours if you continue to walk with it in that manner.."

Mr. Ventress: "THAT'S the intention!"

• <Worst Southern States accent ever uttered by a human> <Quote from 'Of Mice and Men'>

• "So, Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-dee"

• "Estella was a horrid little bitch"

• "If thi wit were shit, then tha'd be constipated" (a poem he read during a Lancashire dialect lesson)

• Shut up or you'll be defenestrated.

• "Hmm yes... quite..."

• "I can be a very violent person when roused...."

• (about to drink some water) "I'm just lubricating my throat"

• "Choc chip!" instead of saying something is "mint"
• "Tutti Frutti is also a popular one amongst my year nines at the moment...", again demonstrating his wit by not using the word 'mint'.

• "GENRE!!!"

• Kiera is a brazen hussy!...

• "I remember when Miss. Lord used to be a nice girl. " - before remembering she likes Charles Dickens, and quickly correcting himself

• It fell off in the night... (referring to his moustache, of course.)

• Alex is my son. We're having fish fingers for tea tonight.

• Ventdog: "Susan Brownhill...."

Student: "Sir, I'm not Susan Brownhill." Ventdog: "Oh. Must be the big nose..."

• Reminiscing about his old English set, "...Gemma and Pippa in the back corner - licking each other."

• Girls hugging.

Benchpress: "Charlotte and Steph having a lesbian festival..."

• "Please stop giving oral sex to the table"

• "i think your talking about a womans vagina"

• pupil- "wow that's mint" Mr V-"choc chip"

• To Ben Brown..Someone with rather greasy hair "Oh no Ben, you could fry eggs on you hair"

In Critical Thinking

• "The answer is D... No I didn't think it was that either..."

• "You've got a D, because the mark scheme said so..."

• "I don't know why you keep getting a D... All I know is that the mark scheme keeps telling me you've put the wrong answers down..."

• again Worst (female) Southern States accent ever uttered by a human - "play me some tunes, granddaddy"

• Ah these? These are just my scruffs!

On the subject of clothes:

To Tom Hyatt: "Tom, Tom, are there some pillows without cases on the floor behind you?" Next day, Hyatt to Mr. Ventress: "Sir, Sir, Colonel Mustard called. He wants his clothes back."

• "Stop being fasicious"

• "Becky Howard.... No, ok. Sarah Finbow!"

• Whilst stroking his new moustache "Your all looking abit camp to be honest"

Popular Holiday Destinations

• Dickensland - On-par with Blobby Land.

Spare Time

In his spare time, Mr Ventress has been known to steal every register in school and read and memorise every students name (fisrt, last and middle). This is for the sheer joy of being able to spot a student on the staircase and see their shocked faces, tying to figure out who this man is and how he knows where they live.