John Ashton
The BFG resembling chemistry teacher who speaks really slowly... until he starts dictating.
Mr Ashton is quite well known for have a striking resemblence with Caecillius in the year 7 latin textbooks.
He is well know for his at times rather dry sense of humour.
He retired on the 20th July 2007 after a lengthy period teaching Chemistry to countless BRGS students.
Quotes
"Pentavalent Carbon, boy?"
"Now Classssss........"
"Hydgen" (Hydrogen)
"Tertsury" (tertiary)
"Any Kestions" (Questions)
"Sorry Classs I was seduced by Anita and her cycles for several minutes" [Bor(i)n(g) Haber Cycles]
"Remember boys, in Chemistry, unlike life, size matters!"
"I know you're a girl but where's the logic in that??"
" My wife found me in bed with a blow up doll" (trying to explain a black eye...)
(Catherine pushing Ahmad to the floor in form.) "Ahmad, get off Catherine..."
"She's trying to rape me, sir!"
"Yea, you should be so lucky...Get up."
"Remember, Mass Spectrometers do NOT grow on trees."
"No you stupid girl!! That's wrong!"
"I asked for one word, not two!"
"What came first, the chicken or the egg?" (Pupil: The egg, sir) "Oh...well...alright then..."
"So Amy... are you going to Rachel's party on Saturday?" ... "Yeah as a sailor" ... "Oh what you going as then a sexy nun? I can just imagine you as that..."
Ashton: "Is that chewing gum in your mouth?"
Student: "Yes sir.."
Ashton: "Do you like to chew?"
Student: "I like the mintiness."
Ashton: "Well I like lying in the sun on a warm day like today, but we all have responsibilities!"
Student: *has the hiccups*
Ashton: "Close your eyes, hold your breath and think of sardines!"
Student: *Does it* "But how does that -"
Ashton: "Do you have the hiccups now?"
Student: "No but -"
Ashton: "Exactly!"
Student: *Is talking to mates*
Ashton: "If this is so easy that you don't need to pay attention, why don't you come up and answer this equation?"
Student: *gets up and answers it right*
Ashton: "I'll get you next time!"
"SWIVEL!!"
Two students have written a song in their jotter about Mr Ashton:
I am the monkey man,
I come from in the trees,
And I can swing. [What can you swing?]
I can swing on vines!
Loincloth loincloth loincloth groin,
loincloth groin,
loincloth groin..
[etc etc]
Ashton: *Walks past and picks up the jotter where there are supposed to be some answers for questions.*
Students: "NO SIR THEY ARE IN THE BACK!!
"Remember Simone, this is about stripping!" (Unless you do/did Chemistry, you won't get the Chemistry part about the quote)
"I didn't swear, I mentioned an irish town called Kinnell"
"Now some of you did fall into the pit and impale yourself on some spikes whilst walking along the jungle trail there" (when someone makes a common mistake)
Mr Ashton is an OK teacher, He thinks that he is hilarious. If you are being noisy then he will just clap his hands or just hit something with something. If there is a word that you think he won't know the meaning then ask him what it means...Just do it.
Moves
Watching him trying to be "cool" at Speech Night was hilarious, waving his arms round and saying "yo" after some prompting from Raveglia..
- makes Phones 4 U style hand gesture* "Innit? Oh, no, that's a phone innit?"
The Great Thermite inferno of 1997/1998
Whilst demonstrating a thermite reaction to a year 8 science class in room 3. Mr Aston took all the nessesary safety precations, all except moving an open jar of magnesium powder away from the experiment as it sparked away to a chorus of 'oooohs' and 'aaaaahs' of the assembled students. Cut a long story short, 13 (count 'em) Fire Engines complete with major incident unit, big ladder etc the works. No kittens were harmed you will be pleased to hear reader.
