Calum Hall
AKA Jan, Big Lips, Sausage Fingers and Beast
Calum lives in a Rams Bottom, with his slave mother, bearing milkshake and cookies on demand, and his father who regularly beats him on his prized computer games. Calum has no brothers or sisters, and this has left him with a rather selfish attitude, often looking like you just accused him of murder if you ask for a crisp. In the earlier years, Calum was quie mischievous but avoided any direct trouble like the plague in case mummy or daddy found out. One of his favourite lessons was maths because he got to sit with Gaz, his partner (not lover, honest) at the front where Mr Wilbraham's beady eyes could see him to keep him on the straight and narrow.
On a darker note, Calum has found himself in a number of scraps, most notably with Joe Sipocz in Year 9, where Joe found himself raging at Calum, only to be thrown down on the ground by "The Beast" an amazing 5 times in succession before Sheepy tired. This isn't the only time he has gotten into a brawl, however, in year 8 Mark Holland made an innocent attempt for the ball and tripped Calum on the Astroturf, and didn't know what had hit him when the next second Calum could be seen trying to kill him, and it took Calum an amazing minute to realise he was in the wrong. Yet another incident on the astroturf, this time finding unlucky recipient John Byrne on the end of a royal beating. Dragged across the astro turf floor humiliatingly by his tie, John felt the major fool after Calum was through with him. This time by accident, he found himself wounding bumchum Gareth Hughes by having a shot in afterrnoon break in year 7, which Gareth saved....to his cost. Calum broke Gaz's arm, with a football.
Calum could quite easily have a quote section, but it would take up ten pages as they all come from things he watches. Try watching the entire seasons of Family Guy, Futurama and The Simpsons and you will soon recognise what he is getting at.
