Luke Maudsley

There is a famous saying in the Upper 6th that 'everybody knows Luke'.

There is another famous saying that 'Luke is like Marmite.'

Whatever your opinion of the leather-clad heart breaker, he's very difficult to ignore - it's scientific fact that his voice can be carried on a gentle breeze for 342 miles. When the topic of conversation is inappropriate or crude, it's been estimated that that distance can increase by as much as 80 miles.

How to spot Luke

His first appearance was in Year 12 – clean shaven and wearing long wavy locks. However, someone pressed the 'invert' button after he obtained work experience in a funeral directors in July 2008 and nowadays he's rocking short hair and a neck beard. Now, the neck beard has been subject to much serious debate, such as: “Luke, shave the neck beard, it's awful.” and “Ahh! It's alive!” however it seems its here to stay. Luke maintains he is in the process of growing a full beard, but his cheeks and chin don't seem to have got the message yet.

Luke has three jackets: short black leather, medium black leather and long black leather. You're most likely to encounter Luke in his short jacket... dear to him because it is inhabited by the spirit of Old Fred, who died in it during a bar fight.

The final cherry on the Luke Maudsley cake are the keys jingling at his side that mean that even if he's got his mouth firmly closed you can easily hear him coming. Some say that he doesn't know what all the keys are for. Some say that there are keys in that bundle that unlock the mysteries of the universe. All we know is that he sounds like the caretaker.

Level of intelligence

Despite common assumptions Luke is very intelligent. He has read every book ever written, but especially enjoyed all the Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams ones. When he's slightly drunk at parties he enjoys talking about complicated philosophical theories in order to impress girls. Reports are very sketchy as to whether he has ever actually pulled using this method.

Things to note in conversation with Luke

If you tell Luke an interesting fact (be it real or a lie) he will immediately turn around and tell someone behind him, pretending it was his fact. If there is no one behind him, he'll probably tell you instead, pretending it was his fact. If the fact you told him was made up, he'll tell you it again, a few days later, claiming he read it/saw it on TV.

Luke is not a reliable source. He is a genius wrapped in veil of idiocy. While he sometimes makes thought provoking, illuminating comments on life, a lot of the time he's just talking for the sake of it.

Luke has not learnt the importance of the phrase “Last night, I was on my Xbox 360 and...” Instead, he will launch into stories such as “I battled a mutant with shopping trolley armour!” or “I killed a tramp and stole his grenade!” and expect you not to think he's a lunatic.

Love life

(This would be a good point to scream and run away in horror)