Luke Maudsley

There is a famous saying in the Upper Sixth form that 'everybody knows Luke'.

There is another famous saying that 'Luke is like Marmite.'

Whatever your opinion of the leather-clad heart breaker, he's very difficult to ignore - it's scientific fact that his voice can be carried on a gentle breeze for 342 miles. When the topic of conversation is inappropriate or crude, it's been estimated that that distance can increase by as much as 80 miles. Like many teenagers, Luke has been known to snort sherbert. However, unlike most teenagers, he did it from a girl's bellybutton, and then got addicted. He then got drunk, decided he wanted some more sherbert, and wandered around a town he didn't know at all, looking for a shop that would still be open at midnight, that also sold sherbert. Luke had to be assissted by several other peole who made sure he didn't fall over or strip(again). Needless to say, he couldn't find any. He did some Italian seasoning instead.

How to spot Luke

His first appearance was in Year 12 – clean shaven and wearing long wavy locks. However, someone pressed the 'invert' button after he obtained work experience in a funeral directors in July 2008 and nowadays he's rocking short hair and a neck beard. Now, the neck beard has been subject to much serious debate, such as: “Luke, shave the neck beard, it's awful.” and “Ahh! It's alive!” However, it seems it's here to stay. Luke maintains he is in the process of growing a full beard, but his cheeks and chin don't seem to have got the message yet.

Luke has three jackets: short black leather, medium black leather and long black leather. You're most likely to encounter Luke in his short jacket... dear to him because it is inhabited by the spirit of Old Fred, who died in it during a bar fight.

The final cherry on the Luke Maudsley cake are the keys jingling at his side that mean that even if he's got his mouth firmly closed you can easily hear him coming. Some say that he doesn't know what all the keys are for. Some say that there are keys in that bundle that unlock the mysteries of the universe. All we know is that he sounds like the caretaker.

Level of intelligence

Despite common assumptions Luke is very intelligent. He has read every book ever written, but especially enjoyed all the Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams ones. When he's slightly drunk at parties he enjoys talking about complicated philosophical theories in order to impress girls. Reports are very sketchy as to whether he has ever actually pulled using this method.

Things to note in conversation with Luke

If you tell Luke an interesting fact (be it real or a lie) he will immediately turn around and tell someone behind him, pretending it was his fact. If there is no one behind him, he'll probably tell you instead, pretending it was his fact. If the fact you told him was made up, he'll tell you it again, a few days later, claiming he read it/saw it on TV.

Luke is not a reliable source. He is a genius wrapped in veil of idiocy. While he sometimes makes thought provoking, illuminating comments on life, a lot of the time he's just talking for the sake of it.

Luke has not learnt the importance of the phrase “Last night, I was on my Xbox 360 and...” Instead, he will launch into stories such as “I battled a mutant with shopping trolley armour!” or “I killed a tramp and stole his grenade!” and expect you not to think he's a lunatic.

Love life

(This would be a good point to scream and run away in horror)

Quotes

• "Will you come to my underwear party?"
• "F**king superf**k!"
• "That's not ribs, it's chocolate cake(about a pate of spare ribs)."
• "I recently experimented with making jam from my own semen. I intend to sell this Spunkjam(TM) to Superdrug."
• "Please will you come to my underwear party? I promise there'll be chicks!"
• "Can someone apart from me be the loud tw*t for once?"

 Stu: (from another room) "STFU!"

• "If you tried to ride a giant crab, you'd lose your legs."
• "Will you come to my underwear party yet?"
• "I have a tiny penis when I'm not aroused."
• "All women like a bit of jiggle!" (proceeds to wobble his exposed belly)
• "Be quiet tarzan!" (to george barnes).

Quotes from just one day

• "I want to try and pull lesbians, just to see if it can be done. Luke Maudsley! Titan/conqueror of lesbians! Destroyer of gender boundries!"
• "Gunpoint yoga."
• (about his neckbeard) "It lives on my face. I WAS going to shave it, but it growled."
• "In my utopia, people are allowed 2 kids."
• (about a band)"Apparently I am here to teach them. Now onwards to Jerusalem!"
• "Burn her, she said I'm full of sh*t! You always burn who I tell you! You're the burninator! BURNINATOR!" (Singing badly, acompanied by himself on electric guitar)
• "Yes, I'm coming to form, but first i must eleiminate western society. We're the problem dudes!"
• "Elephants never forget. That's why they drink."
• "A baby born with no head is not human! You can throw it in a thresher. You can woodchip the b***ard!"

Quotes from just one (different) day

• "... making pizza from cheese."
• "Cows are miracles, they make beef and milk out of grass. Also there's that other thing where they put grass on your knob."
• "... my many ugly women ..."
• (someone says the word 'sex') "Are you talking about me?"
• "I am a woman everybody loved. Everybody loved me back then, I had many friends."
• "It was really good. Billy Conolly danced around in the nude."
• "Wear a kilt with me! A kilt is NOT like a CONDOM!"
• "I would rather get laid than continue with this neckbeard." (2 months later and he still hasn't shaved it off).
• "There has been love ever since the 80s. I miss the 80s. It was the age of consent. before the 80s nobody had sex. Or maybe that was the 60s ..."
• "Why can't I have a gun? Rambo had one!"
• "(Getting high off lynx)is my saturday night! Not the deoderant though, the panther-like thing. I find ones that have just shagged and eat them while they're high. Only the male ones of course. No, I don't watch them before I eat them! That'd be some sort of weird lynx porn!"